Written by jlurcott
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Topics: Cold, Groundhog Day

Sunday, 30 January 2005

image for Obese Penguin Eats Punxsutawney Phil
The obese penguin deamands subsistance

On a cold Pennsylvania morning Punxsutawney Phil was waking up from a nice relaxing slumber to his one day of fame every year, Groundhog Day. Each year the critter wakes up as droves of morons flock to the small town to watch a furry cute rodent. If he sees his shadow, it's another 6 weeks of winter. Alas, a local Penguin was not pleased with the prospect of another 6 weeks of winter, so he decided to consume the small creature.

A local towns person described the event as "horrific":"It was like something out of a horror movie. After that cute little rodent saw his shadow we all went awww... Then this large Penguin came out of nowhere and swallowed Punxsutawney Phil! Small children were crying and running in fear of being eaten. I would have ran but I was far to frightened....and fat."

What could provoke a Penguin to eat a national icon? How can there ever be another Groundhog Day? These are all questions this small town must now try to answer. The local mayor feels that there will be Groundhog Day next year.

"We will carry on without Punxsutawney Phil. It was within that 15 pound rodent that we all drew joy. We can and must find another Punxsutawney Phil to carry the torch of tradition. It is that tradition, along with movie royalties, that have made us the people that we are today, Phil lovers. We are all lovers of the Phil. It is not a single Groundhog that we love The Phil is a tradition. One will replace our beloved Phil."

Punxsutawney is no longer a blissful rural city. The scars of the Penguin devourer will last for some time. Groundhog day will now be a day of morning for the small creature that was Phil.

Sadly, this reporter doesn't feel that replacing an icon after a mutated Penguin attack will be so easy. For starters, The Penguin who ate Phil will most likely return next year with more Penguins for the children after they, the Penguins, devour the next Punxsutawney Phil. And one year there will be so many Penguins that Groundhog Day will be known as Penguin Day. Humans will flee in terror on February 2nd every year. It will be the day of the feasting for the Penguina. Be prepared, Phil Lovers. Our demise is at hand! It will be Penguin style with a side of gravy and a fish. This is indeed a day that hopefully never be relived.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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