Written by Phil Maggitti
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Sunday, 30 January 2005

image for President Bush Buys Popemobile on eBay
AC, PW, PS, PB . . . only driven to church on Sundays.

The White House revealed yesterday that President George W. Bush had purchased the Popemobile during a late night Web browsing session with his twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara.

According to the White House statement, the president was intrigued with the following item: "Late model, mother-of-pearl M-430 Mercedes-Benz. Automatic, AC, PW, PS, PB, power bed pan, tinted windows, 10-disc CD player, and bullet-proof solarium. Low mileage, garaged, owned by elderly gentleman who only used it to go to church on Sunday."

"Dad was looking for another birthday present for Mom; she wasn't really stoked about the puppy," said daughter Jenna, the blond, bouncy one who wants to be a school teacher. "We didn't know it was the Popemobile, though, until we e-mailed the seller to ask what a solarium was."

After receiving a reply in sixteen languages from jp2@thevatican.it, Bush phoned Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who had just emerged from her nightly session in her hyperbaric chamber. "Connie told Dad, ‘It's the pope, you moron,'" said daughter Barbara, the dark-haired one who wants to be Rosalynn Carter.

"There was only half an hour left until the auction closed," said Jenna, "so we knew there wasn't enough time to teach Dad how the bidding worked. We just mashed the ‘Buy Now' button, and as Dad would say, mission accomplished."

Sources close to eBay revealed that high bidders at the time the president made his winning bid were swiftjfk@heinz57.com, kidsgetinfree@neverland.org, and dick@secretbunker.gov.

An official from the White House motor pool said he expects the Popemobile to arrive at Andrews Air Force Base on Tuesday. Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell will be there to greet the vehicle. After Powell has washed and waxed the Popemobile, he will drive it to the White House.

"Dad can't wait to see the car," said Barbara. "I bet he keeps it for himself. He told us he was going to change its name to the Bushmobile because that's what he called his first car in high school."

In related news, the Vatican announced just this morning that it had purchased a BMW Dependsmobile with Scotchgard interior for the Pope's planned trip to Lourdes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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