After a series of exhaustive tests, researchers at the U.S. Department of Education have found that the "higher being" responsible for Intelligent Design (ID) has an IQ of 78. This number falls within a range signifying "borderline deficiency in intelligence."
The release of the news sparked a number of protests around the country. John H. Calvert, Managing Director of the ID Network, claimed that the test was unfair: "How can a two-hour test be fair? It took God millions of years to design the human eye. How can He be expected to complete a 100-word quiz in two hours? I never said He was a Mensa candidate."
Leading atheist Richard Dawkins disputed the findings. "I cannot attest to the validity of this, quote, 'God,' being the Big Banger himself, or herself, for that matter. I believe He should undergo rigorous scrutiny. For example, can He recite the Bible and Qur'an word-for-word? Where's his laboratory? I think the whole thing's a sham meant to equate His intelligence with the typical believer's. Ask the folks stranded by volcanic ash if they think He's so clever. Ask the people in Haiti, for that matter."
Education Secretary Arne Duncan said that "it looks like God never had the benefit of the 'No Child Left Behind' program. Perhaps we can get Him some remedial help. First I'd have to check with Director Pete Orszag over at the Office of Management and Budget to see if we can come up with the necessary money. If not, we could always get a smaller White House Christmas tree this year and sign on a tutor funded with the savings."