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Sunday, 18 April 2010

image for Populating Arctic Ocean With Polar Bears Could Halt Global Warming, Says Sarah Palin
You have to consider also a multi-faceted solution, ya know, to have all the options out there on the table.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - In an effort to show America she has turned over a new leaf, Sarah Palin has announced she will star in an upcoming 8-episode television show focusing on Alaska's environmental issues, set to air this season on Discoveries' The Learnin' Channel.

Many consider the move unusual for Discoveries to sign with Palin - Discoveries' lineup includes programs like Earth of Green, This Green Earth, Life on Earth, We Love the Earth, and Granola Eaters.

Palin, on the other hand, likes aerial wolf-hunting on crisp arctic afternoons, occasionally wrestles with moose after one too many Alaskan Suntans, and believes climate change just goes to show ya' God is tucking America in, safe and sound.

Notwithstanding, people may be surprised at what Sarah Palin's Alaska has to offer, says the show's British television producer, Mark Burnett.

Best known for introducing top-quality, competition-based reality shows like No Survivors and You're F**king Fired! to American audiences, Burnett hopes now to help Alaska's former governor prove she has "a genuine concern for the environment."

"She's actually quite bright, that one," said Burnett, winking as he described what many would consider Alaska's rising but somewhat dim star. "She's been taking environmental science courses at Kotzebue Community College, you know."

Burnett recounted an experience Palin told him she had several weeks prior on her front porch. She was looking for Russians in her telescope when she spotted several polar bears swimming in the distance, their bright, white coats standing out in stark contrast to the deep blue of the ocean.

She clearly remembered reading something, somewhere, in some science class about an Albedo Effect whatchamacallit, a mechanism whereby bright surfaces, like ice sheets, tend to reflect sunlight back into space, cooling the earth, while darker surfaces tend to absorb heat.

"All of a sudden, she realized: Polar bears are white, too," said Burnett.

He said Palin immediately contacted Gabriel Nirlungayuk, Alaska's foremost Inuit environmental and wildlife expert, who she said "knows lots and lots about polar bears and science-y stuff, and other whoosit-whatsit like that."

Recently, scientists had been startled by a dramatic increase in floating bear carcasses, suggesting climate change melting the Arctic ice shelf is forcing bears to swim up to 60 miles across open sea to find food as the ice floes where they feed become smaller and drift farther apart.

However, Nirlungayuk assured Palin that polar bears are highly resilient creatures and capable swimmers especially well-suited for long sea voyages, virtually invulnerable to exhaustion, that they possess an almost superhuman resistance to hypothermia, and moreover run a less-than-zero percent risk of being swamped by gigantic ocean waves.

He also told her that climate change is not a concern because traditional Inuit knowledge has carefully recorded periods of warming as far back as 2,000 years, during which polar bears obviously must have thrived.

Armed with this new evidence, Palin retrieved her pocket calculator and quickly determined that, if she could double the world's remaining population of 25,000 polar bears every year for 20 years, this would yield a population of 12 billion plus - more than enough bright, white bears treading water to offset surface albedo lost from the melting arctic ice shelf; this, she reasoned, should cool global temperatures and begin to rebuild waning ice sheets.

Nirlungayuk also assured Palin the Inuit would be both willing and able to conquer the task of supplying sufficient whale blubber to feed the burgeoning population of aquatic bears.

"That's pure, Grade 'A' buffalo crap!!" screamed Ted Turner, the Mouth of the South. He called Palin's plan "plumb preposterous," and "downright dangerous."

"If she's elected president, I swear to God, I'll buy another 2,000,000 acres!" he ranted, a rosy hue of red beginning to colorize his cheeks. "Hell, I'll buy the state of Nebraska, and maybe the rest of Montana, too!"

Turner, who currently owns 50,000 head of American bison - about double the number of Palin's helpful, white bears - said he'll probably need even more acres than that just to double his herd every year and keep up with Palin.

"Trust me!" he spat. "The Inuit can't possibly deliver that much blubber! I'm going to have to sell those bastards lots and lots of Turner Bison Meat® to feed those hungry bears, or they'll eat us before we have a chance to eat each other!!

"No, I won't be tuning in to Sarah Palin's Alaska," he added sourly, turning back to CNNitwit news.

In keeping with Palin's misguided new environmental values, upcoming episodes will include guests like Patricia Cochran, who takes a closer look at innovative new Alaskan alternative fuel vehicles, like an hybrid SUV that runs on sled dogs, and a dogsled that runs on walrus fat.

Palin promised she will even kayak across Kachemak Bay to film an episode called "Land of the Midnight Sun-baked," with special guest, Alaska's own Chef Kirsten Dixon, who will show America hot new takes on local favorites, like seared moose on a bed of wilted greens, roasted spruce grouse with sun-dried wildflowers, and a delicious, new twist on Baked Alaska.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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