Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Washington, Cats

Friday, 28 January 2005

Washington, DC - CIA Deputy Director Startup Warmonger announced today a new and innovative program called "STAC", Strategically Trained Animal Commando's, (cats spelled backwards.)

"We have recruited several enlisted feline members of the armed forces to train as sharpshooters for the war in Iraq," Mr. Warmonger said. "These kitty cats have excellent paw-eye coordination and acute hearing. They also work for ‘kibbles', literally. Sergeant commando, ‘Citty Kitty', one of the first graduates of the program, will ship out for Iraq within the next few weeks."

"We are very excited to see if our feline training techniques work. A lot of time and effort has been put into this experiment, and we have every reason to believe that it will be a success."

The Army officers that we interviewed told us that human recruits to all branches of the armed services are down due to opposition to the "George War."

"We hope to utilize all of our options in the animal kingdom," they said. "Several canine breeds were tried, but they spent most of their time running after jeeps, chasing their own tails and barking at fellow soldiers passing by."

Fully armored hedgehogs have been tested for use in night raids. The Army plans to release the hedgehogs into the barracks of the enemy soldiers while they are sleeping. (Can you imagine the shock of waking up to find a spiny little hedgehog nesting in your boxer shorts?) Skunk is another animal the Army wishes to test.

"If we can figure out a way to use hedgehogs simultaneously with the skunks, that would be killer," officers said.

Recruiters explained, the special provisions necessary to support the animal troop members in Iraq. "We have created easy to assemble and store, portable litter boxes to accommodate our commando kitties. Mess cooks have prepared k-rations with high quality "Kitty Kibbles" and an after assassination cat nip treat for the sharpshooter kitties. Engineers have also designed, special flea collars to ward off the famous giant desert camel flea that plaques the area.

"These collars also include a special tracking device, just in case the commando kitties are captured by the enemy." Capture is not likely, however, according to trainers.

"These kitties can hit a clay dog target, right between the eyes at 100 yards, (or the length of a football field.) "We hope they'll do as well in the battlefield with the enemy."

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