NEW YORK--With Sunday's election in Iraq just days away, the recent cold weather wave has would-be extremists in the U.S. worried about reaching Iraqi polling stations in time to cause destruction and havoc.
The Federal Aviation Administration has advised insurgents and extremists to arrive at airports as early as possible to deal with the long lines and security checks that have caused many terrorists to miss their flights. They have also suggested taking direct flights in order to avoid the possibility of missing a connection. Terrorist Mahmoud b'Salaani voiced concern that he would be unable to reach the Sunni Triangle in time to disrupt Sunday's vote.
"I cannot wait for these long delays," he said. "I must arrive in Baghdad to stop this voting. The American lapdogs will pay dearly for their support of the evil democracy."
The snowstorm that has sacked the Midwest and Northeast brought over 15 inches of snow in the past two days, causing a series of flight cancellations and leading to unhappy travelers with lost luggage.
"My C4 and Semtex is in my Samsonite, but it never came off the baggage claim conveyor belt," Abdullah Ramaah Mohammed said. "I was supposed to be in Basra tonight, but the earliest I can get there is now Tuesday. And without my plastic explosives, I'm useless."
Several extremists have blamed the record snowfall on "Godless heathens", saying that Allah will punish those who advocate religious freedom. One terrorist, who did not give his name, said, "The capitalist infidels will learn a new meaning of suffering when I come to meet them. But for now I'm stuck at LaGuardia airport."
The Transportation Security Administration released a statement saying that it will do as much as it can to speed up security lines at major airports. TSA spokesperson Rod Needlebaum said screeners will attempt to be even more lackadaisical while working in this busy time.
"We've opted to forgo the new-screener training previously implemented," Needlebaum said. "Procedures have been streamlined to allow busy travelers to jump to the front of long lines. It's true that most people will simply lie, but that's a chance we're willing to take."
The TSA intercepted one suitcase with a bumper-sticker attached to it saying, "Basra or Bust," which contained what looked like a 3-megaton nuclear device. It was promptly returned to its owner, who boarded his flight just in time.
"We're here to serve," Needlebaum said.