WASHINGTON (AP) Remaining in session until 3AM this morning, the U.S. Senate finally voted to double the average Social Security benefit all US retirees will receive starting in mid-2005. The late vote followed vicious partisan debate and fistfights. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn) was placed in an ambulance after being kneed in the groin by California's Barbara Boxer. Insisting on breaking into the Senate debate, Rep. Barney Frank had to be subdued with tear gas before a Senate security detail was able to carry him back over to the House chamber.
Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) said, "We were hoping for passing an even more generous package, but I'm sure that all our retired people will welcome the doubling of their retirement checks this summer. It's such a boost for our seniors; I am actually giving serious thought to retiring very soon. The new benefit would allow me to live quite well down in Palm Beach."
Interviewed at his private suite in Georgetown University Hospital by Spoof reporter Morgan Truce, Senator Frist said, "We Republicans got outmaneuvered on this Social Security vote. We were planning to cut all Social benefits by two thirds and triple the amounts our young people have deducted from their paychecks. At one point in the debate, the democrats passed around a plate of cookies. I think they put something in those cookies. I don't even recall how I voted. I certainly don't remember a thing after that attack by Senator Boxer. I have to admit though, that was the best sex I've had since that wonderful night back in medical school with the cadaver. Let me tell…"
"No thank you Senator Frist," interrupted the reporter. "We don't really want to hear about those details."
At the White House, it is expected that President Bush will sign the new Social Security Bill as soon as it's placed on his desk. "I was going to press for that ‘private investment account' thing, but this bill promises to run up the national deficit faster than a lethal injection in Texas… if you get my drift."
A report by the Quayle Think Tank indicates that the first retiree to benefit from the new Social Security legislation will be Barney - the Bush's White House dog.