Mapquest is adding at least four major interstate highways to its holdings. The deal between the Federal Highway Administration and Mapquest was announced at a joint press conference in Washington this morning by FHA Administrator Mary Peters and Mapquest CEO Mike Mulligan. Mr. Mulligan said, "By actually owning these important interstate highways, any of our computer users who get their travel maps from Mapquest Online will get exclusive use of those highways for their trip. Our customers will not have to compete with ordinary drivers who choose to use travel by using those awful Rand-McNally atlases. We expect that this deal will increase hits to Mapquest.com by at least 30% in the upcoming quarter."
Administrator Peters of the Federal Highway Administration added her comments, "We are delighted to sell these interstate highways to Mapquest. Our administration has been overburdened by the volume of repair and maintenance work to our Federal Interstate Highway System. By selling I-95, I-70, I-5, and I-40 to Mapquest, we can better marshal our resources to keep our remaining interstate highways free of potholes. As part of the deal, we are also providing Mapquest with eighteen road graders, thirty-three gravel trucks, several hundred flashing "Road Closed" signs, and a tanker truck filled with bright yellow line paint."
At the press conference, Spoof reporter Morgan Truce asked Mapquest's Mulligan about his plans for the future of I-95. "Interstate 95 is too long," said Mike Mulligan. "It takes too much time to get to Florida… so Mapquest plans to remove the whole stretch with that ‘Pedro's South of the Border' nonsense, and end the highway at the Georgia state line."
"We think there are way too many speeders on I-40, so we will be using our new road graders to turn several key sections of interstate into dirt roads."
Mulligan continued, "But we are going to improve I-70 and extend it all the way to Hawaii. The new Mapquest Bridge will extend from the California coast across many miles of the Pacific Ocean to Hawaii. Initially the bridge will be a one lane bridge with toll booths and emergency holding lots every ten miles."
The new Mapquest Memorial Bridge to Hawaii
"By the end of 2010 we expect the bridge will be expanded to three lanes---with a really teriffic center suicide passing lane. We plan on offering on-the-spot mortuary service and handy burials at sea."
"We have no immediate plans for I-5 other than to close all rest areas and ramps that lead to other highways. We feel that if you want to travel on I-5, you should stay on the highway for it's entire length."
The State Highway Patrol Association reminds the public that any motorist caught travelling on a Mapquest -owned interstate highway without a current computer generated Mapquest map in their possession, will be ticketed, placed under arrest, and thrown in a jail cell with Ike Turner.