Written by Joe Dent
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Friday, 21 January 2005

image for Christian Conservatives Want Barney's Genitalia
"Look, no genitalia!"

Christian Conservative gangs in the US are marching the streets armed with machetes and automatic weapons in search of SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney, and other suspected homosexual characters.

The mobs, spurred on by right-wing bible-bashing liberal-hating James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family Christian group, are determined to string up the characters and chop off their genitalia.

Their anger stems from the recording of a music video featuring SpongeBob, Barney, Bob the Builder and many other characters whose sexuality, according to Mr Dobson, is questionable. The video is to be sent to US schools to promote tolerance.

In Texas, one mob frenziedly hacked a large piece of cheese that was sticking out of a bin, believing it to be SpongeBob in hiding. Another mob, in Ohio, surrounded a group of workmen digging up a street and demanded that Bob the Builder be handed over.

One mob member, the Reverend Billy Goodman told The Spoof: "We got God on our side and we got machetes. Blunt machetes. It's gonna hurt that sick perverted gay yellow hole filled piece of sh-"

"Please, Billy. Mind your language. Don't forget that the Good Lord doesn't like bad language," interrupted Jenny Goodman, the Reverend's wife. "We're just gonna cut off his particulars, that's all."

But the mob's blood-lust is unlikely to be satiated for two reasons. Firstly, the characters have no genitalia. And secondly, the characters have a friend in a very high place.

President Bush is a huge fan of both Barney and SpongeBob. He regularly sits in front of the TV, eating a bowl of Cheerios while watching his colourful friends dance about in Makebelieveland. It is even rumoured that he has had the pair over for dinner at the White House.

A source close to the president told The Spoof that Barney and SpongeBob have been hidden amongst the thousands of cuddly toys in the president's bedroom, outside which a CIA agent stands guard.

Earlier today, before the characters went into hiding, a Spoof reporter asked SpongeBob and Barney how they felt about the mob's threats. Both were defiant. Said SpongeBob: "We don't care! We can't die. And they can't chop off our genitalia, because we don't have any." Barney sang a song about having no genitalia.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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