Written by K.C. Bell
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Friday, 21 January 2005

image for Condoleezza Rice Quits
"I quit."

Condoleezza Rice has withdrawn her nomination for Secretary of State, accepting responsibility for her failure to prevent 9/11. Due to a misguided focus on Russia, as the number one threat against the United States and fighting the cold war instead. Dr. Rice felt that taking on the new responsibility of Secretary of State, would be like appointing the Captain of the Exxon Valdez, Secretary of the Navy.

Careful not to misquote General Wesley Clark, Dr. Rice continued, "General Clark, the former head of NATO, stated, 'The navy has a set system. When a captain runs his ship aground, he loses that ship. It doesn't matter if he was in a meeting with the President of the United States. He loses that ship. If he is on the bridge, he loses that ship. If he's in sick bay, he loses that ship. In the navy, you run a ship aground, you're out.' I must in all justice agree with his assessment and within those parameters, I therefore withdraw my nomination."

When questioned further, she defended her resignation. "So there are some issues about weapons of mass destruction, ditching the Geneva Convention, to invade or not invade Iran. 9/11 was a serious tragedy. We lost thousands of people, land mark buildings, the Pentagon was hit, the field in Pennsylvania, it affected our economy and it was on my watch as head of the National Security Agency. Then, low and behold, Martha Stewart fudges about selling short on a stock market investment and gets nailed by the F.B.I. and sent up the river to the joint and spends five months in the slammer? Well, I just feel it would be a travesty to pursue this nomination."

Somewhere in an undisclosed location below sea level, Dick Cheney took another Tums.

Meanwhile, in the slammer, Martha Stewart was clearing up her space, preparing for her release, while putting the finishing touches on reorganizing the Federal Penitentiary System, Social Security, balancing the budget, the trade deficit, solving the Middle East problem and looking forward to her invitation to ring the opening bell on Wall Street the day after her release.

When asked about her plans for the future, Dr. Rice replied, "My book is being written, I'll run for governor of New York, a stepping stone to Presidency in 2008."

Pisst, not New York.

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