WASHINGTON, DC --- His face awash in tears, George W. Bush this morning tendered his immediate resignation. He then hastily packed his suitcase and boarded the first flight to Kennebunkport, Maine. As the sole reason for his departure from office, the former US President listed the "hurtful and devastating" comments made by all four of the American Idol judges.
The four judges, who arrived at the ceremony uninvited, began rolling their eyes and tapping their pencils on their clipboards, only moments after Bush began his inaugural address.
Attempting to hide the fact that he was laughing, Randy Jackson hid his face behind a sheet of paper as Bush said, "as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny -- prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder -- violence will gather, and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders and raise a mortal threat."
Ryan Seacrest yawned loudly and pointed at his watch.
And Paula Abdul guffawed, elbowing Seacrest and Simon Cowell in the sides, as Bush spoke, "And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it."
Bush had just finished blessing the people and the United States, when Simon interrupted, "Since it's obvious that you can't take a hint, I'm telling you to shut the hell up. You have one of the weirdest voices I have ever heard, you have a very awkward presence, and quite frankly, you have no talent at all."
Ryan, Randy, and Paula nodded in agreement, then doubled over laughing.
Before Secret Service agents could expel the four professional jackasses, Bush stepped off the podium and approached the panel of "Idol" judges.
"Excuse me. What did you say?" he said, visibly shaken.
"I'm going to say it one more time, in English," Simon replied. "You have no talent. Go back to your day job."
"Yes," the other three said in unison.
Bush struggled for words, then said, "Well, Randy. You … you … they should have hired Regis Philbin instead of you. And Paula, you're flat-chested. And … and … Ryan, you need a haircut and a shave."
Tears rolled down his cheeks, as he spoke to Simon, "You know what someone should do to you, Simon. Someone should shave your head, so people can see what a butt-head you are."
Bush, who is currently spending time with his parents in Kennebunkport, Maine, could not be reached for comments.