Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: Satan, Jersey

Thursday, 20 January 2005

For the first time in several millennia Satan has appeared in public without his devilish goatee. His Evilness-clean shaven and wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey, jeans, and Blackspot Adbusters-was recognized by Helen Gunderssonn, lifestyle editor for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, as he lurked in a drug-free school zone earlier this week, hawking pot and anatomy magazines. The Prince of Darkness has not granted an interview in decades-and he is known to be prickly with reporters-but "something about the way he was stroking his chin" led Gunderssonn to believe he wanted to be recognized, so she asked him why he had shaved his goatee.

"Why? I'll tell you why," Satan growled. "Because I don't want to be associated with all those clueless wannabes running around in their pathetic chin whiskers. They're cheapening the dramatic impact. In my day goatees used to mean something. Now they're a dime a dozen. Say, babe, you wanna buy some killer weed?"

Undeterred by Gunderssonn's refusal, the Devil continued his rant. "Fifteen years ago if you wanted to deface somebody's picture, you drew a goatee on it. These days every loser and his cousin Jared who thinks it'll make him look cool and help him score with chicks is growing one. You got bank managers, accountants, computer geeks, athletes, school teachers, and celebrities with goatees. Half those latte-sucking nerds at Google have goatees. They look like [Brillo pads] with teeth. It'll be a cold day in Hell, pardon my French, before I wear that thing again. Tell me, darlin', are you in the market for some personal grooming devices?"

Once again Gunderssonn declined. Encouraged by Satan's apparent willingness to talk, however, she tried to steer the conversation to the war on terror, the president's second term, and the stifling influence of the religious right on freedom of expression, but to no avail. She couldn't even get a response when she asked the devil whom he liked better, Osama bin Laden or Kim Jong-il. Old Lucifer acted as if he hadn't heard the question. He clearly had one thing on his mind.

"This too shall pass," he snarled, rubbing his naked chin. "Remember when mullets were all the rage? Even Seinfeld had one for a while. Now you hardly see them outside the World Wrestling Federation and a few truck stops below the Mason-Dixon line. The goatee will go the same route. You mark my words, missy."

When Gunderssonn attempted another question, the devil cut her short, "Say," he asked, "you don't think I look too much like Dom DeLuise, do you?" Then, humming "Sympathy for the Devil," he walked jauntily toward a group of sixth-grade boys. "Yo, homies, what up?" he began.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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