Floridian, Bargis 'The Tripod' Tryhol, the man with the world's largest penis is to reluctantly undergo penis reduction surgery - and he's blaming it all on climate change!
Tryhol explained that his penis, which he affectionately refers to as Tommy Tallywhacker has fallen victim to one too many rainy nights in Georgia, people who let it snow, idiots for whom there ain't no mountain high enough, the kind of people who keep the home fires burning, and people who insist they have the right to drive my car.
"These freaks are ruining the environment," Tryhol complained. "Them and their damned nocturnal emissions. The weather is all on its ass. The effen ice caps are melting, and here in Florida we got gators with frickin' snow on 'em. The globe might well be warming, but it's getting cold here in Florida. My penis is shrinking - only by a little mind - and it's causing its density to increase, which makes it heavier. Especially when it's swingin' loose. That puts pressure on my spine and pulls down on my vital organs. It also crushes my nuts and that hurts like hell. I'm afraid I have no choice other than to have the ole slugger reducted. He's just too much to hump around right now."
Tryhol's pioneering shaft trimming operation will take place Friday at the Four Skins Hospital in Cockton, California. Renowned cock-doctor, Jumbo Bigjohnson will perform the procedure.
Tryhol plans to recuperate for a few days in San Francisco dining on onion soup, moving on to Springfield to buy a new retro suit, some shoes, and get a decent hair-cut, before returning to his native Florida to kick some Goddamned gators in the ass.
More as we get it. Reduced.