Police in Meatsville SC responded to complaints about a political rally being held in the downtown area yesterday. Upon arrival police reports indicate that the un-permitted rally in full progress. Lt. K. Bob reported that he found all 24 Meat Bagger activists on stage, openly promoting vegetarianism in full view of passing children.
Citizens For Saving Some Air To Breathe CFSSATB reportedly called police after hearing loud pleas for a total ban on the consumption of meat in America reports CFSSATB spokesperson Lar D. Ass who was present to protest this rally. Lar D. Ass has been hired by the prosecution to provide expert testimony.
D. Ass states that it should be common sense to any person with a functioning brain, this action would eventually lead the destruction of America. Think about this for a minute folks, pleads Mr. Ass, within four years of this hideous practice becoming law, America would cease to exist. If the entire country were forced to eat only plants, and considering the way this country continues to stuff it's face, within just four years, Americans would consume every living plant on this continent.
When the last plant dies so will the millions of people counting on it for oxygen. Yes sir, Mr. Ass goes on to point out, Americans are quite capable of eating themselves out of oxygen.
Within just two years all trees will have been consumed and what would we make toilet paper out of then? If these lunatic vegetarians think I'm going back to using corn cobs, they are crazy, states spokesman/witness Lar D. Ass.
If Americans begin consuming grass as fast as they have been smoking it, within 3 years most American cities will be over run with herds of starving buffalo, deer, and moose. I for one don't relish the thought of having to defend my family against a rampaging herd of antelope or mooses.
Native American's had a name for these vegetarian types and understood their problem all to well, Mr. Ass further states. He also points out that the word "vegetarian" can be traced back to an old indian word meaning "Lousy Hunter".
The intentional self-deprivation of red meat has been causing society problems ever since the first baby was dropped on it's head and started believing it was a cow.
Clinical researcher "Miss Tender Loin" responded to this reporter by stating that "that while there is no known cure for this affliction, recent studies by her employer, The National Center for the Advancement of American Beef (NCAAB) that combines Marijuana and Burger King incense aroma therapy, is showing promise. Miss Loin reports that Several test subjects finally broke out in a cold sweat, stood uptight, and screamed Home of the Whopper.
NCAAB has recently applied for and won a 2 billion dollar grant to further this study and is actively recruiting test subjects in the Spartanburg Soth Carolina area. Please log onto their website www.grassis4smokinusillywabbit.com/get paid to smoke/ meat consumption may be a side effect/ free twinkies and hershey bars provided daily to find out when and where you can get on da bus. We have leased Willie Nelson's bus for this tour due to the residue stuck to the walls of this vehicle. If our source misses a daily shipment we will be able to scrape a wall a day and keep on keepin' on for at least 6 day counting the ceiling. Willie's bus is currently touring America now and we will be in the same cities, at the same time, and at the same venue, as this year's Phish Tour. Please see their website for dates and cities. NCAAB is employing the same growers as the two main 420 dealers assigned to the this year's Phish tour and have guaranteed a steady supply of kick ass medical grade smoke for our recruiting tour.
Miss loin seemed to grow a little glassy eyed just talking about her studies and one must truly appreciate this level of dedication.
All 24 Activists are being held with out bail until their trial. Defense attorneys from the firm of AberChronic and Stash have already agreed to defend all 24 activists Pro-Bono.
In a just released memo we have learned that the judge in this case, the Honorable Charles "Chuck" Roast has offered all 24 activists a suspended sentence provided they agree to take part in the NCAAB study. The activists have requested a sample and plan to smoke it over later tonight. They have promised an answer just as soon as they come to tomorrow afternoon.
We will keep you updated until we inspect the recruiting bus ourselves. In our continuing effort to bring you all the news we can, while were still able. Please be advised that after we get on that bus it's a crap shoot as to when we get back to work.