Reacting to the increased use of hammers, in home and business break-ins during the last two years, the Spartanburg County Council voted 43 to 1 to pass this landmark Anti-Hammer Law. Councilwoman Billie Joe Smith/Wesson was quoted as saying " We have taken the responsibility for this rash of recent break-ins from the shoulders of those breaking in, and placed it where it belongs, squarely on the head's of these inhumane hammers. we have effectively nailed the door shut on this here hammer violence problem", and "Ya'll can take that to the local fishin' hole if'n your of a mind to".
When this resolution takes affect all residents will be required to register their hammers and purchase a license if they desire to keep their hammers in their homes. The county will be establishing Hammer Holding Centers that will allow you to take your hammer out for 8 hour periods of unrestricted hammering. Extended vacation permits will be available for a larger donation to the the Hammer Police Widow's and Orphan's Fund.
Hammer Carrying Permits will be available for Professional Hammerers. These individuals are instructed to contact the Widow's and Orphan's Fund for details and, to make a one time voluntary donation in their favorite council member's name.
The extra restrictions on the Automatic and Power Hammers are designed to give most people the peace of mind they deserve after this recent outbreak of Hammer Violence.
Within 6 months from the date this resolution takes effect, all Automatic hammer Owners must submit their hammers for examination by a government trained and Certified Hammer Checker Person. All automatic hammers will be fitted with a nail suppression sytem that will limit the number of nails one can pound on, in a given time frame. (The exact number of nails, nor the designated time frame, has been established as of yet.) Those involved with the manufacture of nails are advised to contact one of the council members to set up payment for, consideration of your specific needs and wants in our first annual amendment celebration in the Bahamas next year. Please be advised that in this case, size does matter, "don't ya'll go bein' cheap and 'spect us to pay attention" states Councilman Wiley Con/Niver.
The one vote against this bill came from Democrat Harry "Bubba" Johnson. Bubba Johnson is the owner of the Ace Hardware Store here in town and was quoted as saying" I think hammers are getting a bad rap and I feel they will be able to beat this in the long run. Bubba said he also worries about loss of income as sales of hand hammers and the assault style hammers are expected to drop off. He doesn't even want to discuss the new expenses involved with selling and safely storing nails.
The new jail being built (Doin' Hammer Time Center For the Reforging of Dead Beat Hammers) in anticipation of this law being passed is expected to be completed before this hammer ban takes efect. All county employees are reminded to apply for their DHS (Department of Hammering) Hammer Permits. Receipt of this permit will be determined by the size of their payroll deduction to the Hammer Police Widow's and Orphan's Fund.
The county also announced the planned opening of a new Hammer Time Photo Department which will provide country residents with a low cost family portrait with their hammers once a year. Proceeds will benifit the Widow's and Orphan's Fund. note...Widow's and Orphan's Fund is a major political contributor to all 35 Republican Council Members who have tirelessly served our county for 57 years each. They also pay for the life support system that keeps 10 of them voting by proxy.
Preliminary talks have begun on a proposed Hammer Time Work Release Program designed to allow residents to keep their family hammers close to them for a small monthly fee. Proceeds from this program will be used to send the entire county council to the annual Hammer Symposium in Hawaii. Guest speaker this year is Dr. Harvey Nailbanger who's new book A life Dedicated To Nailing Everything I Saw has climbed to the number 1 spot in the Hardcore Hammerin' category of New Hammertown's, Best Sellers List. Council Members said they all looked forward to purchasing a copy that had been personally nailed shut by Harvey himself.
AIP EXCLUSIVE: Spartanburg County Council Passes Anti-Hammer Law.
By Stump Parrish, Associated Idiot's Press writer