WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House today announced that more than $500,000,000,000 will be "borrowed" from the Social Security fund to help host the second inauguration of President George W. Bush. White House sources cite numerous reasons for the hefty loan.
"Each guest gift bag includes certificates for a case of Krug's Clos du Mesnil champagne ($400 per bottle), a custom Lear jet, and -for the really big campaign contributors- their own personal islands in non-tsunami threatened areas," said Dr. Condoleeza Rice, the president's chief inaugural planner. "Plus, the table favors of bejeweled Tiffany tiaras for women and Patek Philippe diamond-encrusted platinum watches for men - well, unlike computer votes, those don't cost a dime a dozen!"
Rice went on to explain that Bush is "never a cheapskate" when it comes to rewarding friends and co-workers for their political loyalty, and she proudly showed reporters her own watch, a clunky Timex gold-toned Indiglo and recent Christmas gift from President Bush. Removing it briefly, she read for reporters the personal inscription on the back: "You can't get good help these days? Oh, yes, you can! Love, Bushie."
A glowing Rice went on to describe the entertainment planned for the main Bush inaugural dinner. "First there will be a command performance by Cirque du Soleil," she said, "and then Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow will do a slow strip tease to Ashlee Simpson lip syncing Gordon Lightfoot's If You Could Read My Mind. Bushie just loves those girls!"
Rice added that this 55th inauguration promises to be the be-all-end-all of Presidential inaugurations because Bush will soon appoint himself permanent dictator of the "Red Union," his new name for the former United States. Plans to relocate the White House to his home state of Texas have already been approved by Congress, and the move will be underway by early February.
Tim "Bubba" Daniels, owner of Bubba's Best Texas BBQ and the caterer responsible for the inaugural menu of barbecue, peach cobbler, and Texas homemade beer and wine, told reporters that the price of ribs and pulled pork has skyrocketed in recent months.
"Hell, I'm coming in at a measly $735 per plate, and that's the lowest cost I could manage anywhere except Iraq," said Daniels. "I mean, what's the president and his guests supposed to do, eat sand?"
Other costs include $17.3 million for security and police overtime (up from $8 million in 2001) and $2.8 million to "spruce up" west front of the Capitol. The theme for the Bush inauguration will be "A Vision of America."