Written by Tawdry Soup
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Topics: Easter, heavy metal

Monday, 5 April 2010

image for Death Metal Douche Bags Attempt Assassination of Easter
Woo - Jesus sucks!

Twenty year-old roommates and budding musicians, Roy Addison and Trevor King, saw an opportunity and took it when they noticed the brightly dressed crowd of Easter Sunday church-goers filing into the neighborhood church, located not 120 feet from their rented house.

"It was fucking awesome, said a busting with pride Roy Addison, "Trevor had the great idea that we blast the shit out of the church on Easter Sunday with some bad ass Death Metal classics. We put the speakers right by our windows and pounded out some Slayer and Nun Slaughter for the first fucking hour or so. You should've seen them church freaks, they was all looking around and shit, like, where's that shit coming from? And we just kept cranking it up louder and louder."

"Yeah," agreed Trevor King, "Ohhh mannnn it was fucking great-we waited until every time someone was about to open the church door and just rolled the volume up to number 11, Dude. We were in there-they had to hear us. The whole time Church was goin' on we was grindin' on some tasty selections from Cannibal Corpse, Blood Gobbler, and Roy's favorite, Disembowelment. When the Easter egg hunt started we laid 'em down with a few cuts from Circle of Dead Children. All them little kids faces was all puckered up and wonderin', Mommy what's all that noise? Then they'd look over here and we'd throw 'em the devil horns and stick out our tongues."

"It was fuckin' hilarious. Their whole Easter Sunday turned into shit."

At that both young men offered a silly giggle and looked at each other lovingly.

When asked why they thought interfering with a religious ceremony was so funny when the Death Metal genre often uses ceremony and religious imagery, Addison laughed and said, "What are you talking about? Death Metal ain't about religion. Death Metal is fucking anti-religion. We're all about Devil Worship and shit. You can't get more anti-religion that that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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