Written by Trewley Lean
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Topics: Friends, Facebook

Saturday, 3 April 2010

image for Quakers sue Facebook over stolen 'Friends' idea
Mark's Gospel, 2:26: "And a plague of green-backed locusts devoured the Winklevoss brothers."

The Religious Society of Friends, better known as the Quakers, have launched a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the founders of Facebook for stealing their big idea. Explaining the surprise move, a quaking spokesperson said:

"The Quaker movement has been running since the 16th Century, and we set up our network of Friends' Meeting Houses when Harvard still had only five students, who communicated by lobbing papyrus scrolls through their dormitory windows. Our founders did all the necessary work regarding functionality, scalability, multi-faith compatibility and one-click commands for people who've got their hands together in prayer. We even worked out a viable business model, based on divine intervention and hiring-out the back room to mother-and-toddler groups on Saturday morning."

Explaining why they'd let Facebook conquer half the world before taking any action, the Society's barrister from law firm Godley & Orde continued:

"We were willing to overlook the trade-mark violation by that Quaker Oats company, because it gave us good publicity during the breakfast-table recruitment battle with the Rice Christians. And we held off from litigation when that American sit-com stole the name Friends, because they seemed to be the only cast with Hollywood ambitions that hadn't signed up to Scientology. But Facebook's blatant theft of our basic concept - a network of meeting-rooms where Friends can gather for intermittent services involving arcane metaphysical chatter - forces us to take God's law into our hands. We would have done so years ago, only we're not as organised as those Catholics, and as committed pacifists we don't really like confrontation."

A Facebook spokesman commented: "We have suspended the Quakers' account because their 2.5 million worldwide Friends were distorting our membership stats and slowing down the network. It's impossible to take their claim seriously - if you look at their website, they seem more interested in talking to God than to each other, and they can't even come up with a decent logo. They'd be better off suing Gary Numan for that 'Are Friends Electric?' single. If the Concepcion region of Chile doesn't counter-sue first."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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