Keeping his campaign pledge to either prosecute or release non American citizens regardless of their crimes President Obama hailed the release of 11 Somali pirates who opened fire on the USS Farragut.
"I congratulate the captain and crew of the Farragut for their kindness and understanding. Just because someone is a murdering, kidnapping, raping son of a bitch is no reason to expect them to become terrorists some day.
"I am still in full support of treating such individuals no different than the criminals in our own country and granting them more rights than the average American citizen. It isn't their fault they were born and raised in a shit hole.
"In addition to releasing the poor unfortunates involved we bought them a new boat to compensate for the one we blew up."
When Obama was asked how he could justify buying cutthroats a new boat. "That's easy. If we arrested them they would be detained for decades while the courts figured out what to do with them. This is cheaper."
The captain of the Farragut was not available for comment but the Somali pirates agreed to an interview. "We are so happy to have Obama, yeah! Long live Obamanation! We begged to go to Guantanamo Bay, in Somali it is called Cuba Club Med but they say no way. We wanted too to get waterboarded so we could file big lawsuit but also they say no but we get new bigger boat, has cd player, gps, and go really fast."
One of our innumerous contacts with the CIA claimed that the new policy makes it difficult to stem future impact of terrorist activity. His opinion was that the current regime in Washington is history repeating and that the message is clear.
"Just because they cancelled '24' doesn't mean terrorism is over. Well, we have always been the secret democracy here at the CIA and we have adopted our version of the 'don't ask don't tell' policy. We don't want a repeat of 911 and don't really give a shit what Obama does. Like Clinton his policies will skip a few years and by then Obama and his cronies will be long gone.
"Don't ask don't tell to us is we don't ask these clowns a mother cuffin thing and make sure they don't ever tell about it. This incident was unfortunate because there are more TV news reporters with cameras in the Indian Ocean than there are pirates. In a couple of weeks these idiots won't be a future problem."