President Bush announced yesterday that the Iraqi elections scheduled for January 30 will be held in Ohio.
"The best way to guarantee fair and impartial elections that come out the way we want is to hold them in Ohio," said the president. "Therefore I have appointed former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani to the post of Minister of Elections, and I have instructed him to do whatever is necessary to insure the elections are held on schedule."
Washington insiders were surprised by the president's choice of Giuliani, who was thought to be in the First Dog House since his recommendation of Bernard B. Kerik for secretary of homeland security turned into a national embarrassment. Kerik was forced to withdraw his name from consideration when reporters learned he could not type and had conducted simultaneous extramarital affairs with half the New York Jets cheerleaders
"We thought the president would appoint Karl Rove, who has stolen the last two elections for him," said Democratic attack dog James Carville. "I guess the president got tired of Karl beating him at Scrabble."
Giuliani, who has been employed in the presidential motor pool in Crawford, Texas, since the Kerik fiasco, vowed that he "would not let the president down this time." Giuliani added that all voters will have to demonstrate tying skills and sign a vow of chastity in order to be registered. He is also "giving some thought" to requiring voters to demonstrate a knowledge of Iraq by locating it on a map.
In order to simplify the voting process even further, the offices for which candidates are vying have been reduced to three: President of the Baghdad Consolidated Schools Board of Education, Chief Administrative Officer of the Iraqi Soccer Hall of Fame, and Buildings Inspector in Fallujah.
President Bush was quick to counter suggestions that by moving the election to Ohio he was admitting he was no more likely to find democracy in Iraq than weapons of mass destruction. "People shouldn't get bogged down in numbers, which in themselves don't have any meaning. Seldom do more than half the eligible voters go to the polls in our elections. Numbers don't guarantee legitimacy; outcomes determine legitimacy."
In related news, the president announced that he was nominating George Carlin's cadaver double, Michael Chertoff, for secretary of homeland security. "Mr. Chertoff's first duty will be to oversee the search for weapons of mass destruction, which has been moved to New Jersey," said the president.