Washington, DC--Building upon his belief that Americans need to assume more responsibility for all aspects of their health, financial security, and overall well-being, as well as reminiscing with nostalgia about his youthful comment that poor people are poor because they are lazy, George W. Bush today released many new initiatives designed to make Americans more self-sufficient.
Some of these initiatives make Americans responsible for the following things: their height, their water supply, and all traffic lights within a 3-mile radius of their mailing address. Other initiatives build on the No Child Left Behind philosophy to encourage jumping subway turnstiles (No Mass Transit Rider Left Behind), running stop signs (No Driver Left Behind), and not waiting in line for tickets or services (No Person Left Behind).
"It's a scientific truth that people can control their weight," explained the President, "and so I know that A mericans--the can-do people--can also control their height."
The President envisions a new age wherein people will strive harder to grow taller. To help them do so, he will be giving substantial tax breaks to small companies like Procrustes, Inc, a subsidiary of managed care giant United Healthcare, which manufactures and markets beds that gently stretch individuals while they sleep.
"There are so many ways in which Americans can collect their own water that the government doesn't need to be in the business of providing water to our citizens," said Bush. "First, there are all these water companies that deliver, and the price is very reasonable. But if you are one of those psuedo-hippie-long-haired-Vermont-liberal types, you can put a couple of pots and basins in your yard and collect water that way."
Members of Congress and lobbyists will continue to receive free water, free wine, and free coffee.
As for traffic lights, the Bush Administration has always been leery of imposing traffic signals on the public. Now, it is able to reverse a long-standing Democratic tradition of trying to protect citizens from harm.
"I feel that people should be able to do what they want to do on the road, just like cowboys," confided the President. "All this crap about drive 55 and save lives is a lot of hooey. In an accident, the person who has the biggest, most gas-guzzling car wins. It's simple as that. When your neightbor buys a big car, you gotta buy a bigger one. That's good for the economy, too."
The President expressed a twinge of regret that he had not been able to jump a subway turnstile while he was in New York City for the Republican National Convention. "I've heard that that's a real fun thing to do, and I encourage it, because it shows gumption and spirit," Mr. Bush concluded. "And maybe if Howard Dean had jumped a few more turnstiles when he was a medical student, instead of studying for his boards, he might have grown a little taller and thus had more of a chance to win the Democratic primary."