Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Washington

Wednesday, 12 January 2005

image for Scientific Study II: "Poodles are Evil"
"The Devil's Dog"

Gonad, Washington - After much study and collaboration, historians and scientist alike, have come to the conclusion, that poodles are indeed, evil. (This is a fact that many of us have known all along.) Poodles, in their words, are the spawn of Satan or the "devils dog."

"Through out history, the myths and legends of ancient people, speak to this fact. In the native West Africa "Hu-Thu-Pu" tribe, the word ‘pood' refers to "the evil one', or the one who does evil. These people were terrified of poodles and made special potions to ward them off," historians told us.

They also report that the ancient Egyptians raised very large cats to protect them from man-eating poodles. The Egyptians worshipped cats for a good reason. The Sphinx was actually a giant cat, built to scare off roving packs of killer poodles.

"Before these dogs were domesticated, they had very large fangs, much like the now extinct, saber tooth tiger. We also uncovered evidence that they bore small, devil like horns on their heads." Scientists also discovered the origin of that traditional haircut many poodle dogs have donned over the years.

"We believed the haircut was developed to try and cover up the horns, they once had. After breeding with other dogs and some members of the royal family, the horns disappeared. The shaggy-coated wolverine is a very close relative of today's poodle. Think of a wolverine, as a poodle with a bad haircut. Both are noted for their strength and cunning, and both are vicious flesh-eaters," they said.

A cautionary note from the writer of this story… Please, do not e-mail me with your rhetoric, espousing the redeeming qualities of poodles. This is an animal that is beyond redemption. They are not real dogs and I don't like them! They have funny little poof balls, cut into their fur, and I ask you, in all sincerity, what is that all about? What do poof balls have to do with being a dog? Real dogs don't poof their balls…

I was watching a re-run of "Law and Order" and there was a scene in the show, where a woman, walking her poodle, was whisked away in a taxicab, never to be seen again, alive. I felt an irrational, intense rage at just the sight of the dog. I was hoping that the body they found floating in New York harbor, the next morning, was not the missing woman, but the dog. I do this without any assemblage of guilt.

My analyst thinks that my hatred of poodles stems from an unfortunate incident, where an "unaltered" male poodle, named "Pierre", tried to do the "wild thing" with my fake fur coat. I can't be sure that's the reason "why", I hate poodles, I question the reason poodles even exist. For some questions, there are no answers…

I loved that coat…

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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