Written by Kevin Scrantz
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Topics: Murder, Los Angeles

Tuesday, 15 March 2005

image for Amber Frey Broadway Bound

LOS ANGELES (Rotters) - Amber Frey, the bleached blonde "massage therapist" whose tepid testimony helped entrap and convict adulterous lover Scott Peterson for murder, is bound for Broadway.

"It's true," the pallid Frey gushed at a press conference from profit-driven, media-hungry attorney Gloria Allred's garage. "The contract was signed today, and I'm going into rehearsals next week."

Frey, 38, is set to play Stan Laurel opposite Rosie O'Donnell's Oliver Hardy in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical "Another Fine Mess," based on the lives of the classic film duo.

"I'll be doing a little singing, a little dancing, and a whole lot of acting," Frey explained as she finished signing copies of her book for the five people who showed up at its lackluster launch. "Just like I did at the trial, except people will clap for me and I get to take a bow at the end."

Frey, whose amorous adventure with wife- and baby-killer Peterson have already netted her both a book and film deal, hopes the exposure will help establish her as a role model for young girls everywhere.

"That old cliche is true. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade," she giggled. "Scott was the best, the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. If I had known so much could come out of sleeping with a married murderer, I'd have done it a lot sooner instead of wasting my time with so many boring single normal guys."

"In addition to being a temporary author, Amber will make an unforgettable Stan Laurel," attorney Allred added, pulling her trademark turtleneck collar higher around her nonexistent neck. "We will institute legal proceedings against anyone who disagrees."

Both Frey and Allred pointedly dodged questions about the timeframe in which Frey's book was written. Frey, who was under a gag order during the trial, insisted it was written afterwards, showing a callous on her thumb and deep bags under her eyes as proof she'd worked round the clock on the slim tome.

"She waited for the appropriate time to write the book," Allred insisted. "We were at no time in violation of the gag order that was imposed. If anyone persists in accusing my cash cow - I mean client, of doing otherwise, we will sue you immediately after contacting the media."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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