MCLEAN VIRGINIA (AP) The National Automobile Dealers Association has given the prestigious Used Car Salesman of the Year Award to President George W. Bush. Speaking to a cheering audience of hundreds of used car salesmen, NADA Chairman Charley Smith said, "Although President Bush has yet to close a sale on a single used car, he has mastered nearly all of our best used car sales techniques in his effort to fool the American public. Any used car lot in the country would be proud to have President Bush join their sales associates."
After twenty minutes of cheering and hoopla, President Bush stepped up to the podium to accept the large 12 by 18 foot plaque: "Thank you so much! Thank you! I haven't seen so many bright plaid sport jackets, leisure suits, gold chains and pinky rings since I played golf with some of my brother Jeb's buddies. I would be honored to buy a used car from any of you… well, most of you!"
"I want you to know," continued Bush, "that I was thinking about all you wonderful used car salesmen when I relaxed the ‘Clean Air' enforcement rules. Hey, avoiding installing pollution controls is just like not putting a brand new transmission into that old blue Cutlass at the back of the lot. Right? There's no use in spending a bunch of money on silly stuff like that when we can be increasing our profit margins… uh… I mean, increasing our tax cuts to all Americans."
"When I was growing up, I used to listen to used car salesmen make their pitches to the poor people who wandered onto the lots of gussied up wrecks. You guys sure know how a little Bond-O and tire shine can sell nearly anything! Strings of light bulbs and --- all those red, white and blue streamers--- I learned that stuff from you! With a healthy dose of patriotism, you can sell anything to anybody!" (cheering and applause)
"I owe the ‘No Child Left Behind' and the ‘Patriot Act' to you fellas. Make ‘em think they're getting a Town Car… and send them off in the purple Cavalier! Isn't this a great country? I mean isn't this a GREAT country?"