Newly appointed labor appointee Craig Pecker, sporting a gold fez and holding the spear of destiny, pulled President Obama out of his pocket long enough for him to sign an executive order to grant Labor Unions religious status.
Political experts were shocked at the act but not because it was audacious, insulting, and/or ridiculous. Their confusion came from the fact that Obama had already done this with his first executive order, once inaugurated, over a year ago and just moments before he was awarded the Nobel Peace prize.
Mr. Obama said something about his campaign pledge for transparency and yes we see right through you Mr. President. Mr. Becker allowed interviews but only after a sizable donation and threats of broken arms.
"We pride ourselves on jacking our parishioners pay and benefits to guarantee them heaven on earth regardless of their work ethic and have maintained that fervor that rapture, for decades. We maintained this crusade regardless of the quality of their workmanship which makes us better than God. However, we have now become a service economy and our flock has diminished. We are God and I am here to tell you that Wal-Mart is satan!"
When it was explained that the unions destroyed America's ability to compete in a world economy by guaranteeing pay, pension and health benefits no one could possibly pay.
"Who cares? That is what government is for and why we got the current regime elected besides, that supports this long overdue announcement. God makes promises he never keeps too."
When pressed for one example:
"Don't confuse the beauty of the moment with facts. I would rather explain the excitement for what this means. People think Unions are non profit do gooders; what crap, we are here to make money and party like rock stars but like Ronnie Hubbard don't want to pay taxes.
"We are taking our cue from Scientology where you give your money to stare at a box of blinking lights until you swear your God is a space alien. They do that and never have to explain anything to their sheep, don't pay taxes and even better they don't have to release a single piece of financial data; what genius.
"If anyone pries into Scientology's business no one ever finds the body. It reminds me of the union glory days. With just this action alone I have been able to increase the American employment rate ten percent!"
When asked where all these new jobs came from:
"What new jobs? Unions are designed to convert former hard working unsaved Americans into lazy entitlement seeking ticks that breed like rats. By not having full disclosure we can go back to inventing people, putting them on fictitious payrolls, and then releasing them into the mainstream statistics not to mention get them to vote."
When pressed about the rumors that Wal-Mart will have a ten percent 'tithe' requirement in order to be allowed to remain in business.
"Oh no don't you dare publish that. That would sniff around that separation of Church and State nonsense something our lawyers have been working hard around since Obama took office."