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Tuesday, 30 March 2010

WASHINGTON - President Obama recently signed the latest version of the new health care bill, the King James version, into law after it passed through congress with much hatred and animosity.

The bill, roughly 2,800 pages long, entails a universal health care plan, mandatory coverage for all citizens and the exodus of Jews from New York to Hollywood. While the memo may seem more like an epic novel written by Homer, President Obama highlights the main points into a shortened, cliffs notes version during campaign stops across the heartland.

"The plan pretty much boils down to a universal health care plan for all our nation's citizens," Obama declared to roars of cheers. "The other 2,799 pages are political jargon and meaningless to pretty much anyone outside Met Life and Aetna," he said. "Which means they're fucked," Vice President Joe Biden chuckled in a whisper to Obama in an inconspicuous manner caught on camera by all national affiliated cameras.

Biden's use of foul language has not gone unnoticed from our nation's youth.

"I wish he would use better language," said 8 year Ethan Hunter. "It doesn't set a good example to me and my classmates. My dad says he has been hanging out with Rahm too much, whatever that means," he said.

The King James version of the bill plans to be released to all local public libraries in the periodic section affixed to wooden spurs for ease of use. Written within the reams details the complete breakdown of the falsities of evolution and the legalities of marijuana use accompanied with the ethics of it being alright to sell pot as long as it is taxed.

"Our nation is under attack. Poor fiscal management attack. The one way we can get back on track is to overtax as compensation," said California senator Roy Ashburn. "We already make cigarette smokers give up their first borns to inhale, we mind as well lump those hippy pot smokers in there too. That, and I hate gays," Ashburn concluded while holding hands with a random male observer with whom he met before the conference.

© 2010, The Lampoon Journal. All rights reserved.

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