From his temporary Oval Office platform the venerated former General and Secretary of State Colin Powell announced that his takeover of the Country has been effortless and that the elimination of 'business as usual' resulted in a five hundred billion reduction of the national debt in just one day.
"My God you should see these expense reports from Barney Frank, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi! The 1-900 porn calls and site fees alone are outrageous. What have these perverts been doing all this time?"
After the bloodless coup all attention has been centered on the next step and the reaction around the globe has been cautious.
When asked, Mr. Powell was, as usual, to the point:
"Nothing fundamentally is going to change except the bullchit. This country is running like Windows Millennium in a lake; we need to reboot. I have had every major power call me and have assured them that we have no desire to change the spirit of the constitution just to clarify it.
"The best example is when the founding fathers declared that all males of European descent were created equal; not. The other factor is that separation of church and state will remain a standard but we refuse to separate this great country from God.
"As far as freedom of speech we insist that concept remains but this freedom of expression crap ain't cutting it. If a politician is a cuffin atheist he better man or woman up to it. As far as our foreign policy is concerned every world leader that has called I have given them the same message: write a check for every dime we have given you or shut the cuff up."
In addition to the general pulse of the change very specific details were revealed in terms of the upcoming election. Every elective position in the Federal government is open but there is a 12 year moratorium on Lawyers.
Anyone, not a lawyer, is eligible to run and former military, retail workers, police/firefighters, plumbers, electricians, Harley Davidson employees and satire writers are preferred. Base pay for Congress will be calculated as the average American income and a bonus pool based on reductions in the national debt.
Expense accounts are to be posted daily on the GSA website per representative and severe penalties instituted for abuse. A travel allowance will be equal to the standard per mile reimbursement the rest of us chumps have to deal with.
Term limitations are set at a maximum 2 and there will be no pension; elected officials can do the 401K gimmick like everyone else. The President will be granted the line item veto in order to strike out any pork that happens to make it through a bill.
Political contributions do not change but fifty percent is to go directly to the national debt. Any person or organization, including the unions, will be required to publish full financial disclosure before these donations can be made and the chumps that have been squeezed for the cash notified. The amendment will require the budget be balanced and with the exception of the Military every single cuffin dime will be accounted for.
When asked for any personal items Mr. Powell would like to see, he said:
"Damn right! I want another season of Jack Bauer and '24' and a bill passed to eliminate those annoying reality shows so I can enjoy my retirement. Maybe a couple of those Liagra pills for emergency only 'cause I don't cuffin need em."