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Thursday, 6 January 2005

In an unprecedented move, the world's most wanted terrorist Osama Bin Laden has surrendered to authorities and promptly claimed the 25 million dollar reward on his own head.

In a move that stunned the world, a subdued bin Laden walked into the US embassy compound in Istanbul and surrendered to the marine guard at the reception. As soon as cuffs were put on his wrists, the terror mastermind demanded to be told when he would be getting his 25 million dollar reward money for turning himself in.

Bin Laden was reportedly suffering a cash crunch after authorities worldwide froze his assets after the September 11 attack in New York

Bin Laden however expressed surprise at how easy it was to get into the US embassy compound. He also said that he had tried to surrender to various US military units ostensibly looking for him in the Tora Bora Mountain but none of them had believed his story

‘In one camp I was literally kicked out, Bin Laden was quoted as saying, ‘I don't know what those clowns are looking for in the mountains but it certainly isn't me'

In other news, in what president George Bush described as a major brainwave, White House has ordered all the 130,000 US troops in Iraq to vote in place of the minority Sunni community, whose home area has been the site of raging violence.

Sources inside White House said the Bush administration had been deeply worried about the fate of the Sunni Community because most of them had fled their homes in the wake of fierce battles between US troops and insurgents.

The source said that cities like Mosul and Falluja were largely occupied by US marines and insurgents and so it was logical that the US troops be allowed to vote.

Although the administration insisted that the marines would not be instructed on whom to vote for, most solders interviewed by this correspondent said they would vote for John Kerry although Bush did have some showing especially around the notorious Abu Gharib Prison.

This comes in the wake of an uproar over an opinion poll that showed a hitherto unknown marine sergeant Peter Knowles s being likely to win in the Iraqi polls. It however transpired that Sergeant Knowles has been conducting the poll himself in Falluja on behalf of the Pentagon

Questions however began to emerge about the manner in which the poll had been conducted.

"He would kick open a door and brandishing his rifle at the cowering Iraqis would bark ‘who are you voting for?!'

Unsurprising, the answer was always ‘You'

Stung by criticism, the department of defense was forced to admit that the survey had been carried out in an ‘unusual manner' and hence the ‘results could be tainted'

This was a step down from their earlier burst of glee at the poll results with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld claiming that the earlier results showed how much the Americans had progressed in the efforts to win the ‘hearts and minds of Iraqi's'

A more sober poll by Reuters and AFP, which asked whom the Iraqis, would vote for if the elction were to be held today showed John Kerry as a possible winner

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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