Taking advantage of the Congressional recess and the absence of the Republicans in Keibasastan President Obama announced that Jimmy Hoffa had been found alive.
In reaction to the news he immediately appointed the former Union boss to the position of Grand Pooh-Bah. Both men celebrated the news by stripping to their underwear and kissing a turkey's bottom and then detailing their plans to get America back to work.
The former knuckle breaker looked incredibly spry for a 97 year old man and vowed his first act would be to shut down Wal-Mart once and for all.
"If it weren't for those greedy bastards at Wally World we would have run away inflation. Their pricing makes it impossible to squeeze union dues out of them not to mention by keeping prices in check forces all the other retailers to follow suit. This is an American tragedy.
"By doubling labor costs we will see the GNP doubling overnight; it is simpleton math."
When asked about the auto industry:
"Americans want American goods so we will bring back the 1972 Pinto, who gives a shit if it blows up it is cheap and economical; buy American!"
When pressed to the fact that no one cares about politics just celebrity trash and where he has been:
"Oh I dropped out and worked as an Elvis impersonator at one of the casinos in Vegas then spent some time working with Scientology but I had to come out of retirement since my union pension is bankrupt. Thank God Barney Frank bailed the banks out and Obama rescinded Bush's financial disclosure otherwise we would have no way to hide our cash. I love America damn it!"