Baffling news emerged today in the apparent kidnap and decapitation of Hillary Clinton while she visited Pakistan on a peace keeping mission. How Al Qaeda, the notorious terrorist group, was able to get access to her is sketchy but more fascinating is that she had been abducted six weeks ago.
How such a heinous act was ignored for so long is only second in mystery to the fact Obama has kept his campaign promise and began to release known serial killers from Guantanamo Bay.
Mrs. Clinton is best known for her portrayal of the duped carpetbagger wife of a former bent dick President who traded a bid for her own Presidential run to go on a world wide cruise on the country's dime (or in this case just under a trillion).
The tour began a year ago and no one really knows or cares what happened to her. The only reason her whereabouts were discovered is when lawyers for the Comedy Writers Guild filed a class action suit against her for gross lack of material support but the process server had no luck locating her. It wasn't until an Arkansas Judge signed a twitter/texting warrant her suspected location was found out.
Reporters, Paparazzi, and maybe a sheriff descended on a tiny singlewide in an Arkansas trailer park registered under the name of Mr. S. Willy, a pseudonym, and some old guy emerged with a W.C. Fields nose wearing wife-beaters and tighty whiteys.
On the front of the bodily fluid stained six day old unmentionables, except here, were the words 'I got your blue dress right here you fat bitch'. It appeared that the 'bater might have been another former news whore but when asked if he was indeed the wife (yes we meant to say that) of the missing nobody a room mate appeared by the name of John Edwards.
"We did not have sex with that woman!" The lack of class action attorney urged. "And no one has or would. None of you clowns would even have cared if instead of Monica Bill screwed Pam Anderson; he would have been a cuffing hero!"
When pressed for details uncovered by the warrant, where Hillary's cell phone showed a distinct plea to Mr. Willy's account: 'thr guna kilt me guna lop my cuffn head off' Mr. Willy denied that action or any other having to do with anyone. When pressed for an answer to a twitter post on recently released G'bay Al Qaeda serial killer Oneamore bin Chansa; 'Hello Bill. We appreciate letting Bin Laden go so what about we wax your wife?'
President Obama was questioned about the incident and still excited about finding out his real fathers identity was quite forthcoming.
"Yeah I sent her around to get her out of everyone's hair. I mean that was the deal; I make her Secretary of State to see the world if she dropped out of the race. I had to give her a blank check but hell, it was worth it. No one can stand that bitch."
When asked how he would handle the incident: "Oh when it was confirmed she was beheaded I air dropped every Republican member of Congress to some place called Kiebasastan where the decapitation occurred to negotiate her release, pretty cool huh. They just get in the way around here."
Note: This was a nostalgic update of the golden days when we didn't need satire!