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Friday, 26 March 2010

image for Boner Man Has Sex with Five Nurses; Sues Sex Pill Maker
Helluva place to pitch a tent

In the first of several anticipated law suits an Intercourse Pennsylvania man sued Horny Goat Pharmaceuticals in District court today. The man claims that the maker of the erectile dysfunction supplement Liagra is guilty of false advertising, mislabeling, and general bad form.

The man's claim stems from a criminal case in which he is accused of having sex with five women at a nearby Hospital.

Since his arrest and the ensuing publicity several women, one man and the owner of a flock of sheep have come forward naming Richard 'Dick' Hitdabottum, also known as Bonerman, in a variety of sexual misconduct charges involving an erection that lasted more than four hours. He is also being held as a 'person of interest' in the death of his wife.

"It's not my fault," Bonerman sobbed "I see these ads on TV all the time and I have tried that other crap but nothing prepared me for this. You see my wife is, I mean was, fat and that ain't spelt with a ph. I mean she is what we call a cupboard babe meaning open the pantry and find a jar of Costco mayonnaise and ya get what I'm sayin. She is so fat that if you look up lard and ass in the dictionary her picture is on both. Anyways she ain't seen her puss for ten years and I ain't looked so I took two of them Liagra pills and poof she turned into that Vulcan T'pol chick on Star Trek."

The one visual image cancels the other and Mr. Hitdabottum explained how after pounding the pork for four hours he began to panic.

"She wasn't movin' and that ain't nothing new but when I checked the clock I realized it was the longest since I knew her that I didn't see her with a bucket of chicken, a box of Krispy Kremes and a Tab. I held a mirror to her face but nuthin and then I realized that not only was I still rock hard but the damn thing grew; I mean magic bean jack and the beanstalk to giant grew."
Mr. Hitdabottum panicked when he tried to dress because none of his pants would fit so he grabbed a beach towel and drove himself to the hospital. On the way he poked himself in the eye and t-boned the car through a brick fence landing in the middle of a pasture (that explains the sheep).

"I couldn't help it. They all looked like that hot Vulcan chick and I was getting all Captain Kirk on them. By now I was really worried so I ran to the hospital bare naked and my face all bruised up. I don't know, all them poor people running and screaming I'll never be welcome in this damn town agin."

Ti Cuff President and CEO of Horny Goat clarified his company's position. "His wanker grew to cartoon proportions and he was rock hard. Just exactly what is the problem? His claim is that he followed the warning 'if you experience an erection that lasts four hours seek medical attention' so from now on we will be specific in our warnings and explain that a room full of nurses is not the medical attention you should seek."

In hot and heavy trading Horny Goat stock rose another $512 per share in response to the news.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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