Showing his disdain for the Pentagon and its useless generals and admirals who have botched attempts to capture or kill Osama bin Laden, President Obama today selected General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume for this assignment. In doing so, he bypassed high ranking officers of our elite forces of Navy SEALS and Army Special Forces.
Field Marshal Mtume, for those who might not remember, led the Symbionese Liberation Army in the kidnapping of Patricia Hearst back in 1974. In a chase across America that lasted 567 days, General Mtume and his band of warriors eluded the FBI and our nation's police forces while driving a yellow VW van that was covered with strategically placed "Fuck President Nixon" stickers.
Citing this audacious display of contempt for his own success, General Field Marshal Mtume suggests that bin Laden may very possibly be in the United States cruising around in a stretch limo with a bevy of virgins.
"Why would bin Laden be hiding where we say we are looking for him? That would be absolutely nuts." Mtume goes on, "My suggestion is that we put his picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated. That virtually guarantees that he will be captured or defeated by the end of the week."