Written by Charpa93
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Topics: Cannabis

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

image for Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot

Washington, D.C. - In what was hailed as a "good news, bad news" story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation's largest agricultural companies, has been given a federal government contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves, instead of the more natural green color.

Although seedless, the pot will have the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female plants.

The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana.

The marijuana is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process will ensure the pureness and total consistency of the product without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.

The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151 will become the only legal marijuana in the United States and will be strictly controlled by the US government. USDA is expected to hire and specially train several hundred special marijuana inspectors whose job it will be to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and "smoke houses" throughout the United States with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana which does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.

Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification licenses, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenue one can expect to gain from owning a medical marijuana dispensary, the licensing fees are not expected to create any protests.

Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm's patented plants dubbed "mellow yellow"; however, none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally is a top-secret technological one and is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.

What this all means now for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use medical marijuana. Smoke houses and other marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense and offer a safe haven for medical marijuana users without the threat of being hassled by the local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA, as well as all local government, guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.

Some Republican Congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as another attempt by the Obama administration to use socialistic methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction, i.e. a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy, but also lines the government pockets with a much-needed influx of regulatory fee money that can be used to fund other social and educational programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.

President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the US Government can work together toward a well-thought out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments up to focus their attention on more pressing matters.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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