Written by J. Edward Tremlett
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Wednesday, 24 March 2010

image for Progressives Would Rather Eat Live Spiders Than Trust Obama

(Madison) According to Jones Applied Polling and Education Sciences, more than 90% of self-described American "Progressives" would rather shove live, furry tarantulas into their mouths, chew, and swallow, than trust anything that President Obama has to say.

"This landmark study of post-Bush American politics proves two things," said Dr. Sot, head of JAPES since 1967: "One, so-called Bush Derangement Syndrome should be renamed Presidential Derangement Syndrome, and two, South American spiders are damn expensive, even when bought in bulk."

The year-long study was instituted last March, when JAPES scientists noted that, even after eight years of having a decidedly non-progressive President in the White House, there were still large percentages of self-described American Progressives who greeted President Obama's inauguration with fear rather than hope.

"At first we thought maybe it was a few deluded cranks. You know, the same sort of people who think flouride in the water turns you into a homosexual duck, or 9/11 was a government conspiracy. But after we realized this was actually significant numbers of the population, we thought we should see how far down the rabbit hole they actually were."

The results are striking. Out of a test pool of 500 volunteers, ranging in age from 20 to 80:

  • 92% would rather eat a live, furry, venomous South American tarantula in one sitting, without anything to drink, than believe President Obama is a "decent person, worthy of at least some trust."
  • 75% would rather have sex with Karl Rove than listen to an entire policy speech by President Obama.
  • 65% would rather start a debilitating heroin addiction than admit that the economic strategy of the Obama Administration may have "at least helped" America's economy over the last year.
  • 50% would rather blow their brains out on the spot than vote for Obama for a second term.


"I think what we've learned here is that significant, measurable portions of the American public are suffering from an acute case of Presidentus Dontrustus, whereby one believes that the American political system is so horribly and terribly corrupt, that only the most horribly and terribly corrupt of persons can become President.

"I mean, you could get Ghandi out of the grave, bring him back to life, and run him for President, and the same people would be wondering who benefited from having him in there."

Ghandi was unavailable for comment.

JAPES scientists are hoping to continue the study over the remaining time of President Obama's term. When asked if they were worried about getting another 500 volunteers per year, given the potentially fatal methods they used, Dr. Sot laughed.

"Are you kidding me? These people are so self-destructive they'll sign up for anything if you tell them it's for a good cause."

"I mean, for crying out loud, 100% of them believed America was better under 8 years of Bush instead of 4 to 8 years of Obama, if only because they KNEW the enemy was in the White House. How stupid can you get?"

There were other, less scientific benefits of the study.

"That was the best sex I've had in years," Karl Rove said: "I'm probably overdue for a delousing, now, given that 50% of self-described American Progressives under the age of 25 have diddler crabs. But gosh darn was that worth it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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