Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Christmas, Court

Tuesday, 28 December 2004

Jonestown, USA - Jason Smith likes Christmas lights, in fact, he likes them so much he has nearly a million of them... really. Jason's neighbors like Christmas lights too. But not as much as Jason does, so they are taking him to court.

"My children call it the ‘house that threw-up Christmas.' It's sick. He even has lights on the lawn. Nobody has lights on the lawn... nobody. I wish I had a dog, so I could send it over there to take a wiz and short out the whole damn business," one neighbor told reporters.

How do we know Jason had nearly a million lights? We asked him. "I added up all the numbers on the boxes of lights as I bought them. At last count, I had 900,621," he said.

Neighbors say that it's like living next to an all night diner. "The traffic is terrible. Everyone wants to come and see the town nut-job with all the lights on his house. That is why we are suing him. Maybe next year, we will be able to get a decent nights sleep and remove the aluminum foil from our windows."

Pilots flying over the area, say that it is very confusing when seen from the air. "It looks like suburban light wars down there. We thought that it was an entire neighborhood having some kind of Christmas light competition. Then, we found out the lights were coming from one house. The place is lit up like Las Vegas. The only thing missing is Elvis."

Police officers on the beat say that they will be glad when this season is over. "People are coming into the area wearing swim suits, carrying lounge chairs and beach umbrellas. We don't know if they are coming in jest or if they really believe they can beef- up their tans under the heat of all those lights."

Jason Smith, the homeowner, says his only regret is that he didn't think to sell tickets to the event. Next year, he plans to do just that and set-up a snack bar with hot dogs and hamburgers.

His neighbors say otherwise. "If he even thinks about doing something like this again, he won't be selling hamburgers, he's going to be one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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