Written by K.C. Bell
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Monday, 27 December 2004

image for Bush Orders Ohio Revote
"We have nothing to hide."

Not wishing to be called a 'girlie boy' by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but deeply sensitive to the confusion in the Ohio vote and vote count, President George W. Bush issued an executive order today calling for a new vote in the state at the end of January. Sympathetic to the Ohio voter's plight, the new vote would be absent of Diebold voting or counting machines, with ballots cast using ink on paper, consistent with a paper trail, and Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell would excuse himself from the election. Though time consuming, the procedure is to be completed by March and supervised by Navy Seals. The inauguration will follow, and Bush added confidently, "We have nothing to hide."

"Nothing to hide?" shouted Vice President Cheney, unaware his microphone was still on, "The kid's off the farm. You know the drill. Jack up the terrorist alert to the highest level, beige coffee latte. Get Laura Bush out there to condemn space exploration, 'We'll all be dead by that time anyway.' Have the old man jump out of another plane. Make it during a Blue Angel exhibition. My wife can do the usual talk show rounds, Dr. Phil; Tim Russert, Oprah, pushing her latest children's book, `My Favorite Bypass', condemn Ohio as a bad, bad state, with naughty, naughty evil kitten eating devil worshippers who shouldn't even have the right to vote. What did the kid have, an antenna disconnect with Karen Hughes? Wasn't he walking with his arms flared out?"

Meanwhile at the White House, having mastered connecting dots by numbers and busy with tic tac toe workbooks - a Rubik's cube waiting - Condoleeza Rice rejected the notion of the January revote, ignoring the executive order, saying nothing like that ever happened in the Communist world.

When reporters approached him at the doorstep of his Georgetown home picking up the afternoon paper, an unshaven, barefoot, fuzzy robed John Kerry blinked twice in disbelief, straightened out, tied another knot on his robe, took a deep breath, tucked in his chin and announced through eyebrows, "I fought for my country as a young man and I'll fight again for every vote in the upcoming January election in Ohio."

Informed by a reporter of the executive order and Kerry's resolute response, John Edwards smacked his lips with a smile, a nod, and a wink, saying, "That's one smart cracker."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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