Hidden within the 8,000 pages of the President's Health Care Reform Act is what is being hailed as sheer Obama genius; Retroactive Abortion.
The new law will allow the mother of any child up to the age of 18, regardless of race, creed, religion, country of origin or its father to be sold to the newly formed Oak Tree Distribution Corporation (formerly ACORN) with fifty percent of the proceeds going to the Democratic Party.
"This is just the evolution of Roe v Wade which guarantees every woman's God given right to her body and anything that comes out of it; except the shit of course." Obama beamed. "I was elected to solve this country's vast problems and every nation is only as great as its natural resources. My Health Care Reform legislation will also allow us to address education, juvenile crime and the economy by legalizing the greatest new business model; organ harvesting. Darwin proved scientifically that a human fetus is no different than that of a pig and if you walk into any teenager's room you know he was right."
Principal Harriet Cougar of PC666 in New York City says the impact was immediate.
"This is the most amazing thing for education since the creation of tenure. For the first time in the history of this High School we had 100% attendance. This morning the cafeteria was empty but the library was standing room only and as quiet as a morgue. I knew something was up last night when I came home from bar hopping. I'm a single milf with two teenage kids myself and the snow was shoveled off the drive, the house detailed, my martinis prepared perfectly, dinner prepared, and for desert my little darlings served the starting backfield of the football team; Go Cougars!"
Don't forget there are only 920 shopping days left before the apocalypse; keep your fingers crossed.