In the most merciful display of God's wrath since Pharaoh's soldiers were drowned in the Dead Sea the long awaited and documented Rapture arrived. Many Christian scholars were not available for comment but unfortunately this intrepid reporter is.
Reports have come from all over America and the world that claim people simply disappear with the only connection being all were good Christians and had shit eating grins on their face. Meanwhile Congress and the President are still working on finalization of Obama's Healthcare reform in Washington. For those that think the rapture is a final divorce decree or coppin' a nut let us clarify.
Jesus said that when the end of days began anyone that lived by God's law would disappear and everyone else would have to deal with it (cliffsnote version).
When informed of the miraculous report Obama was outraged.
"How dare God interfere? I was quite clear when I rescheduled the apocalypse and am incensed at the delay in passing this critical measure. With all the God loving and hard working people gone how am I expected to run this joint? I mean I had them right where I wanted them; one hand on their bible and the other on their gun which made it perfect for us to pick their pockets."
When urged to comment on Washington D.C.'s seemingly exempt status from the positive purge.
"At first I was encouraged. I thought for sure at least one or two Republicans would leave but noooo that would have given us a clear majority on the vote." When asked if he could provide some insight on who has the inside track to become the anti-Christ. "I still have two years left on my term and plan to be reelected. Why would I take the pay cut?"