WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush launched a UN-led investigation into Colin Powell, stating that the former secretary of U.S. defense is harboring stolen weapons of mass destruction.
"I specifically told Powell to strategically place them there weapons in Iraq to make it look like they beloned to Saddam," Bush said in a State Of The Union address this morning.
The United Nations will conduct a search of Mr. Powell's estate beginning next Monday. The former secretary of defense resigned from his cabinet position nearly a month ago. He could not be reached yesterday and has not returned phone calls. A preliminary search of his office in his New Jersey home turned up no evidence of nukes, but federal agents said they found blue pills imprinted with the word "pfizer", along with a bag of white powder. Both were sent to pharmaceutical laboratories at UCLA.
Federal agent Dave Simone said, "While searching his office we found some disturbing evidence of terrorist activity, including a blow-up toy of some sort with a piece of masking tape on the stomach labeled 'Mary Cheney' along with some blue pills and a bag of white powder. Very disturbing. Possibly ecstasy and anthrax. We won't know for sure until the lab results come back."
U.N. officials declined to comment on the situation, but a janitor at the New York office said he overheard a chief official talking to President Bush just hours before the accusations. "Dee man tawlkin' to de presiedent told Mr. Bush 'This better not be another Iraq or your house is next.' "
Bush said he is "ready for an all-out battle royale with Powell, if that's what has to happen. And it will."
He then went on to say "I can't believe Colin stole my coke stash! I mean, I-I woulda' shared it. What I really mean is, folks, what I meant was, I'm sure Colin has weapons of mass destruction."
Mr. Bush then continued to dig an even deeper grave for himself. As for Colin Powell, only time will tell.
Condaliza Rice commented on the situation, saying "Powell is a traitor. Right now our country is kind-of like Germany in the 1940s. You stick with what you have, not with what you wish you had. Uh, can this be stricken from the record?"
No, Ms. Rice. It can't.