In a stunning disregard for the traditions and customs of cellblock 6, famed ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff boldly chooses syrup over jelly as the salve of choice for eating ass.
Madoff's cellmate and mentor, J.T. Wilson recalls the event.
"It was Saturday, right. And I always try to do something special for Bernie on date night, okay?"
"Usually that means getting him some strawberry jelly. Problem is, everybody in here wants strawberry for Saturday night. If you ain't got some by Friday morning, you ain't getting it."
"I happened to be in solitary all week and didn't find myself in the cafeteria until Saturday morning. I knew there wouldn't be any strawberry but I did think there might be a few packets of that Concord grape."
Mr. Wilson continues, "Was there any grape? Shit, no." "The only thing left was nasty-ass apple." "I grabbed four or five of them, stuffed them in my pants and started to tip on out."
"I saw the syrup sitting there and took some. I didn't think he would use it but I feel it's good for Bernie to feel like he has choices, you know?"
"Right before lights out, I held out my hands to show Bernie how we were going to be spending the night."
"Bernie saw that syrup and started looking at me like he had a secret to tell. Then he closed his eyes and mumbled some shit about 'remembering the sweet, pungent aroma of the Istanbul spice market'." "I don't fucking know, man. He's worldly, I guess."
When asked about the quality and effectiveness of Madoff's technique, Mr. Wilson responded, "Was it good? Shit, you know I threw down a tall stack of pancake batter for all that syrup."
Madoff, who was unavailable for comment was last seen persuading his fellow inmates to entrust him with their syrup portions, promising a "significant return on investment."