Almost True News(ATN) President Bush today signed into law the new Shrub Social Security Reform Bill...the new bill entitles new social security accountees to invest old exhisting account money in the stock market. The stock market responded as stocks soared to new record heights. Proponets of the newly signed bill scratched thier heads in disbelief as the social security fund was drained in one hour. Sit On Your Ass Video..(the largest manufacturer of video games) was quoted as saying they are very pleased as thier stock rose with the bulk of the money. A spokesman for the company was quoted as saying...."golly, I jest wanta say to all the 20 year olds out there thet had faith in us..we're gonna send all our stock holders a pizza an a bong an a new couch throw with fake dog hairs. Stay tuned cuz we're doing our next game about draining the medicare system an..."
President Bush was quoted as saying..."Mama an Daddy...Don't hit!"
Bob Dole was quick to comment blaming John Kerry for faking his vietnam wounds resulting in the crippled minds of American youth...had he not done this..."American youth would have gotten thier asses shot off more in Iraq rather than laying on a couch playing video games" Dole said.."I find it disturbing that Kerry had to scare the crap out of em for no legitamate reason...instead thier overweight pot smoken couch potatoes shooten at fake targets on thier televison sets rather than experiencing the real world. I say a real bullit in the pants would be good for all of em...parents should take responsibility an shoot thier own kids..blow thier little asses off the couch like my maw did..how do ya think I got this limp?"
Jerry Fallwell told the associated press reporter in Lynchburg, Virginia. " I have supported American Youth my whole life..I wuz one...I played sports..my little jerry's were well supported....even the time they got kicked across the field goal I never lost sight of my god...In fact..I screamed out his name at that very second...Oh God!..please deliver me from the evil football cleats that have ripped my life bearing jerry's from my wretched sole.. soul.. wait?.. ummm...When asked about the draining of The Social Security Fund by the associated press reporter Marvin Falwell, Jerry stated simply...not to worry Marvin...I have a whole team working on Gods message putting it into video game form as we speak... God comes down an chases the evil Oil president around and makes him pay money (god needs money ya know)after taking his money and oil ya click him off to a deserted island in the ocean...then ya deposit the money in Lynchburg and the oil goes to my friends in Texas(god don't care bout oil)..the game focuses on all the things god does...killing, eating pizza, hydroponics, a proper acne treatment. I'm confident this new video game will assure that I will gain an appropiate amount of those lost social security funds for me...I mean god.