With an unprecedented and historic display of unity the House and Senate voted unanimously in favor of President Obama's sweeping Health Care reform that will cost just under a trillion dollars and guaranteed to reduce the deficit 100 billion 'sometime before the apocalypse' which is tentatively scheduled for 12-21-2012. The key aspect of the vote was the addition of the 'Stimulus Stimulus' and socialization of prostitution.
"I was elected to bring this great country together and now is the time. This is the end of days for victimless crime and the beginning of America's healing. I am here to say to all Americans that Lincoln was wrong and you can please all the people all the time. Before American's can get back on their feet they must first get on their backs."
The incredible legislation was possible due to the cooperation of Horny Goat Pharmaceuticals, maker of Liagra, who will provide the stimulus. Liagra is designed to improve sexual performance while creating the illusion that your partner is no longer an obese perspiration soaked even-toed ungulate. "In our trials we found Liagra to be so effective that the test subjects didn't care about anything else." Horny Goat spokesperson Tiger Woods stated. "These are hard times for America but with drive and steady swinging we will overcum." To compensate for the free stimulus Horny Goat will be exempt from corporate taxes; forever.
The critical point of the landmark bill is that prostitution will be socialized. "It is appropriate that Washington takes this bull by the balls. Prostitution has not only been legal in the nation's capital since the creation of the political process but the voters and lobbyists have been financially funding it. Now they will benefit from it." Obama illustrated as he signed the bill to law. "And the specifics will solve so many of our other problems. We are a service economy so it makes great sense to integrate in our national business model the most important aspect of our pursuit of happiness; sex. Instead of slacking off on a couch and master debating getting a job anyone currently receiving unemployment benefits will be assigned to one of the millions of foreclosed and abandoned homes and work off their benefits. Our courts are overwhelmed with these properties and we will see relief in the dockets because of this courageous act. It is a known fact that marriage is the number one cause of divorce in America so these costly cases will disappear overnight. Who in their right minds would get married if they knew they could laid anytime they wanted."
The mystery was in the unanimous vote but this intrepid reporter was able to pin down the special assistant to Representative Barney Frank for answers. Mr. Harry Butt, former D.C. callboy, smiled like a cat that put the canary in its mouth but didn't swallow. "Everyday I get hate mail and calls from Big Daddy Frank's constituents on how he is screwing them without getting kissed. Don't they get it? We don't give a crap what they want us to do. Now I can tell them to take a pill and go cuff themselves."
When pressed on the historic consensus of the two major branches of government Harry Butt gushed enthusiasm. "Oh but that is the best part. The President wanted to bring all of Congress closer to the people in their districts so each will be responsible for quality control at the brothels. This reporter wondered why the capitol building was virtually deserted; go figure.
Ti Cuff newswire; tomorrows headlines today.