WASHINGTON, DC - In an unexpected and casual conversation, Eric Holder explained his certainty of Osama bin Laden never facing a courtroom on charges of terrorism.
Eric Holder: He's just so smart ... and witty ... and hard-working ... and dedicated. He's got something like four wives and a dozen children. It's kind of admirable how he can get things done when everybody keeps saying "he cannot do that." People often tell me, "Mr. Holder, you cannot do that." Well, that's when I think "don't tell me what I can't do," and I remember a plucky young Arab named Osama that was willing to break the rules to follow his own dreams instead of being what everyone else wanted him to be.
Staff members in Congress claim that Democrats in the House and Senate are watching a new "infomercial" under the forceful influence of the White House.
Staffer: Mr. Holder was on the phone saying things like "your video is great" and "we should have hired you a year ago" and "Congress will watch this video as soon as I can get there." That's when I saw the "al-Qaida Productions" logo on the VCR tape.
Reports indicate that the tape begins with Osama bin Laden standing beside a donkey that has been painted blue, and announcing "I want to talk about winning and making hard decisions."
Some of the notable excerpts from the video include:
Osama bin Laden: Sometimes ... to get what you want ... you might have to die horribly, just because 65% percent of the people from the place you call home think you're a corrupt spineless worm that is taking bribes and selling their children's future."
Osama bin Laden: In death, you may find great rewards for voting the party line. For example, a harem of 72 young boys, with silky hair and fair skin, certainly awaits you.
Several members of Congress seemed quite excited by the mention of this "harem."
In closing, Osama bin Laden made a strong, passionate plea: "Vote 'yes' for Obama's health care bill."
Later, an anonymous Democratic Senator told Spoof journalists that even though bin Laden gave a very moving and emotional appeal, the part about "Vote 'yes' for Obama's health care bill" sounded a lot like David Axelrod.