Written by Jerry Cornelium
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Topics: School, Award

Sunday, 3 April 2005

image for "Abused" Infant Simulators Prompt Free Birth Control Supplies
One of many abused infant simulators

PEQUOT, SD --- Two years ago, Pequot High School faced a record number of teen pregnancies. Concerned school board and PTA members decided to educate their troubled youngsters, purchasing fifteen computerized "infant simulators" and an award-winning pregnancy prevention curriculum, titled "Baby, Are You Sure?" (B.A.Y.S.). With the federal grant revoked, all textbooks lost, and every infant simulator damaged beyond repair, the school's principal, Robert Pelham, has now resorted to making condoms freely available to students.

The principal was pale and appeared easily startled by sudden noises when he spoke to reporters in his office.

"I realize this decision, for which I am assuming the sole responsibility, is controversial; it may even be considered shocking to some," he said, looking over his shoulder frequently. "But if you look at the numbers, you will see that student pregnancies continue to be on the rise. The B.A.Y.S. program appears to have been a complete and utter failure. However, what really and truly disturbs me is not so much that all of our infant simulators are broken, but what these kids did to them."

Pelham refused to elaborate what exactly the students had done to the infant simulators.

He did say that the condom dispensers would be placed in the boys and girls bathrooms next to the soap by the sinks. This, he said, would ensure maximum accessibility as well as maximum privacy.

Pequot students welcomed Pelham's decision, while the reaction among the community was mixed. Some students felt the free condoms would enable them to save their money to purchase items - such as soap and deodorant - that would make the dating experience more pleasurable for their partners.

Others felt that the free condom dispensers were just a waste of taxpayers' money.

"It's not like we're going to use them, anyway," twenty year-old sophomore Bill Sheridan said.

However, Pastor Brian Frank of Christ Anger Church expressed outrage. Frank, who has replaced fired Spanish teacher Constanza de la Barca, said the principal's action gravely jeopardized his mission to bring Jesus back into the classroom.

"If he thinks, he's going to get away with this, he better think again," Frank said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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