Osama Bin Laden, the former terrorist, announced his retirement and subsequent acceptance for priesthood in the Catholic Church. Encouraged by the fact that the world considered the 911 attack a hoax Father Laden completed the conversion with a press conference at the Vatican via live video stream and punctuated with the decapitation of his former al Qaeda buddies.
"I never felt right about killing innocent people for a cause and when I found out that all the Catholic Church requires is an apology, a hefty donation, a couple of Hail Mary's and Our Fathers to be forgiven for all sins the scales fell off my eyes and viola; I was born again. What a concept. The world of Islam has long held the belief that the holocaust never occurred so in time I will be revered as just one more misunderstood prophet. Don't get me wrong I still love Allah but all I have to look forward to in HIS afterlife is a bunch of young women unknown to man and that just isn't me. I have been working with young boys all my life and this is a better fit for me; if you know what I mean."
When pressed for an explanation as to why he would retire at the height of his career Father Laden was gracious, his response appealing to every American.
"I love America and hope you understand it was nothing personal. My war instantly improved security throughout this great country. By causing a war across the globe you were all safe. In a way I was your protector but my true goal is something you can all relate to. The only reason I began this forgivable sin is that I had taken all my family wealth and invested in oil and gas futures; I made billions. Just before the world economy collapsed I cashed out and have been buying real estate ever since. As of today I own all of California and will begin my ministry in Palm Springs. Who knows, someday I may be blessed enough to rise to governor; stranger things have happened."
Courtesy of the Ti Cuff newswire; Headlines of the future today and just prior to the apocalypse.