Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Dick Cheney, Prison

Wednesday, 15 December 2004

Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney's Chief of Staff I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby has waived Time Magazine writer Matthew Cooper's journalistic confidentiality pledge. Mr. Cooper had faced the prospect of eighteen months in prison for refusing to name Mr. Libby as his sole source in the White House. While Mr. Cooper did not leak ex CIA operative Valerie Plame's name to the public, he was nonetheless caught up in the grand jury net. The honor of committing a Federal Offense in naming an active CIA agent actually goes to Conservative Columnist Robert (Bob) Novak, who still at this time refuses to even say if he was subjected to the rigors of a grand jury inquiry; what is certain is that he didn't face the prospect of any prison time as a result of his outing of Ms. Plame; if he had he'd be whining all the place.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We in the White House are shocked and dismayed that the apparent source of the leak was our own darling little Scooter. I want to make it clear that neither President George W. Bush or Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney had any knowledge of this leak. They certainly weren't at a meeting when George Bush was complaining about Joseph (no nickname known, so we'll just call him Joey) Wilson, the guy who disputed our claim about Saddam and the Niger yellowcake. They sure never heard Bush say, "Is there anyway we can fuck this asshole over?" And Dick (Dick) Cheney never answered, "You know, his wife's a CIA undercover operative. Maybe if we ‘out' her somehow, we can get her killed. That would sure take Wilson's mind off of yellowcake, now wouldn't it?" And Lewis (Scooter) Libby never said, "I'll call Bob Novak. That asshole loves us. He'll do it for a cheeseburger and a small fries."

For those readers who don't yet know about Yellowcake and Niger, it's time for you to go read some Michael Jackson satire. Oh okay, I'll tell you. In his 2003 State of the Union Address George Bush asserted that Saddam Hussein had attempted to buy yellowcake uranium from Niger as one of his major reasons supporting the invasion of Iraq. Mr. Wilson, a former ambassador who was familiar with Africa, had been sent by the CIA to Niger earlier in 2002 to prove or disprove the claim. He could find no evidence supporting the assertion and notified the Administration in 2002. After Bush lied about the yellowcake in the 03 State of the Union Address Mr. Wilson went public with the truth, incurring the wrath of the White House. Mr. Novak's public outing of Ms. Plame apparently came about as the result.

It's really not certain what effect Mr. Libby's identification as the leak will have on the Administration. With both branches of Congress in Republican control the possibility of a real inquiry diminishes. It is possible that Mr. Libby will be forced to resign; luckily there is still an opening as head of Homeland Security for him as a reward.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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