Written by Jerry Cornelium
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Topics: School, Death

Saturday, 18 December 2004

image for Pequot High School to put Bullies in Charge of Security
Keeping the peace at Pequot High School: Derek "Thug 4 Evva" Hohlbein of the Missouri River Locos

PEQUOT, SD --- In the wake of security officer Nate Obst's tragic death, students and administrators at Pequot High School have come up with a novel approach: empower troubled youngsters. This venue has of late characterized the controversy riddled school in the south-eastern corner of South Dakota. Hence, the school's most troublesome students will now be issued "junior officer" badges, and it is they who will be in charge of school security.

School board president Steve Fleming said this will eliminate a number of problems.

"East Coast folks and other out of towners may not realize that South Dakota has gang issues," he explained. "These issues are largely caused by transients who come from places like Sioux City (Iowa) and other places, like Mexico and Thailand. Although we try to make it plain to these people that South Dakotans reject them and their customs, they do leave an imprint on our youngsters."

Fleming went on to explain that the school district has chosen to view Pequot's gang issues as an opportunity, rather than a problem.

"By assigning a building floor to each youth social organization, or what folks in Nebraska or, say, Venezuela might call a ‘gang', we not only avoid ‘turf issues', but we also help our youngsters identify those junior officers who are in charge of their floor," he said. "The Missouri River Locos (MRL) will now be in charge of the first floor, while the Second Avenue Posse (SAP) will ensure security of the second floor. The basement has been assigned to those folks are currently unaffiliated."

Telling MRL and SAP junior officers will be a matter or ease, Superintendent Burn said.

"MRL wear red bandannas, while SAP wear blue ones. Unaffiliated junior officers may wear any color bandanna they want - as long as it's not blue or red," Burn explained, smiling.

In addition to receiving school credit, junior officers also receive a paycheck from the school. Further, they are allowed to accept "gratuities" from the students.

Commented MRL junior officer Derek "Thug 4 Evva" Hohlbein, "Kids here, they should appreciate what we do for them, so it's only right that they tip us. Couple days worth of lunch money, that put a smile on my face, you know. And people do like me better when I smile."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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