Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: Drugs, Santa

Friday, 10 December 2004

image for Santa's Elves Test Positive for Drugs
"The stress was incredible, we just needed to relax!"

The North Pole - Santa's elves, after credible, reliable information was obtained, were asked to submit to a drug test, which they failed. Santa and his other staff members stated that possible drug abuse was suspected after the elves behavior became erratic and "down right silly at times."

"They would giggle for hours over stupid stuff that wasn't even funny. One evening, we caught them pigging-out on Mrs. Santa's cookie stash. They aced every cookie and brownie in the house. It was the worst case of the munchies I've ever seen," one staff member told reporters.

"And then… there was that smell. I've been to more than a few rock concerts in the 70's, so it's not like I haven't smelled it before," Santa said.

The elves urine, tested positive for cannabis, which they did not deny smoking when confronted. "The stress was incredible, we just needed to relax! It was killing us. We used the ‘demon weed' for purely medicinal purposes," the little smokers told reporters.

Several elves that did not partake in the "smoke out" were angry by the "tokers" behavior. "They giggle all night, eat cookies in bed, get crumbs all over the place and they stink," one pissed-off elf said. "I'm tired of them keeping me awake all night," said another. "Yesterday, they were up all night watching old re-runs of Perry Mason, and just cracking up. What's so damn funny about that show, I'd like to know?"

Santa regrets that he may have to put a drug policy in place for employees. "I've always trusted my elves, to do the right thing. So I've never addressed the issue officially. We had one incident a couple of years ago, where the reindeer were doing beer-runs for some of the elves, but nothing like this. I just can't have elves under the influence, operating the toy cart. It's just too risky."

The elves we interviewed, said that they never worked in the toyshop, under the influence. "This was something we did after working hours to relax. We never put anyone in any danger, by our behavior."

Santa says he fears some of the children they bring toys to, may hear about this issue and get the wrong idea about drug use. "We are hoping that the media will handle this incident with care. We don't need Dan Rather up here doing some expose` like, ‘Elves Open Crack House in Shop,' or some other outrageous misrepresentation of the truth."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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