"Two hundred fifty-six billion cavities and counting", says the head of a Senate investigative committee on health and welfare, J.P. Piedmont Morgan, VI.
"It's a dental disaster of the most decadent kind. We have indicted the candy industry for a gross misuse of the public trust. Innocent children were brain-washed by ignorant mothers, who potty-trained their kiddies using M 'n M's. The outcome of this operant conditioning is a generation of baby boomer adults with an insatiable lust for chocolate, particularly after they use the toilet."
When asked to comment on their role in this tragedy, the spokesman for the candy industry declined to comment, although he gave a gap-tooth grin as he left the public facilities at the U.S. Capitol Building with a Hershey bar in his hand.
The American Dental Association was strangely absent from the senate hearings.
Senate spokesman, Piedmont VI, recommended that the U.S. bomb the cacao plantations in Togo to stem the flow of chocolate into the United States. Subsequently, chocolate prices on the black market have soared, such that a Snickers mini-bar is now worth over $350.00.