Written by Robert Walters
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Topics: Politics

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Washington D.C.- The United States Supreme Court voted, in a surprise opinion by a narrow majority of justices, to reverse its 1973 precedent in Roe v. Wade legalizing abortion.

The justices let stand the essential ruling on a woman's right to privacy. However, in what is believed to be the first sua sponte (legal equivalent of "out of the blue") ruling of its kind in judicial history, the justices voted to reverse the name of the decision to Wade v. Roe, because of the conservative notion that if a party to such a case remains anonymous, they should not be allowed "top billing".

Critics asserted that the conservatives on the high court were pandering to the right wing populace's demand to overturn a right to abortion, without actually having the cajones to change the status quo, or wait for an actual case to be presented for constitutional testing.

The ruling was immediately hailed by conservatives nationwide as a step toward getting everything they want and more out of the Republican appointed majority of the Court. Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and a doctor of only God knows what, wet himself in declaring that the change was a "beacon in the abysmal darkness of the left wing, godless, communistic dogma espoused by the Court for so long."

When queried as to his feeling that the opinion did absolutely nothing to effect a women's right to choose, he replied for himself and the millions of other right wing, neocon, religious lunatics by asking incredulously, "It didn't?!!!"

The majority opinion, written by Justice Alito and joined by justices Kennedy, Scalia and Chief Justice Roberts with a concurring opinion by Justice Clarence Thomas, decried the ability of an anonymous harlot to gain the first bit of recognition in citations by lawyers and judges across the land.

Alito cited Oliver Wendell Holmes' opinion in Buck vs. Bell, the famous case upholding the State of Virginia's right to forcibly sterilize mentally deficient people, stating "We, as justices of the Supreme Court of the United States of America, have the duty to rule on anything we please and there is not a God damn thing anyone can do about it!"

Justice Thomas' deciding and concurring opinion agreed with the ruling of the majority of the justices, but added that Ms. Roe's execution would not have met the standards for cruel and unusual punishment. In obiter dictum Justice Thomas also queried, "Is that a pubic hair in my Coke?"

In possibly the shortest dissent ever written by a justice of the U. S. Supreme Court, Ruth Bader Ginsburg simply wrote for the justices in the minority citing no legal precedent whatsoever, stated "WTF."

Ms. Norma McCorvey, the actual "Jane Roe", responded to an AP reporter's request for comment with a terse "Get the hell off my porch before I call a cop!" On the other hand, Mr. Henry Menasco Wade, the Texas district attorney who was originally the respondent in the case did not return reporter's calls as he is, in a technical sense deceased.

The ruling is expected to have a profound effect on virtually nobody, with the possible exception of the faculty and students at Pat Robertson's Regent University School of Law for the Mentally Deficient, located in Virginia Beach and where students have been running around campus with their legs crossed since Holmes 1927 opinion.

The University is well known for being the first law school in history to advertise for students on the inside of a matchbook cover, and for graduating such notable legal scholars as Monica "I love the Fifth Amendment" Goodling and Herb Titus "asset protection specialist" disbarred for defrauding elderly clients of their, well, assets.

It has also been widely reported that the school's aspiring barristers and their professors, spent days digging through Black's Law Dictionary trying to find an entry for "WTF."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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